Cigdem Göle Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 An Italian visiting America "One Day I'ma go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma beach. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma beach. So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet. So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed you sonna ma beach. I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma beach. I go back to Italy." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 Q : What's a bigamist A : A fog over Italy _____________ A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?" The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Three crowns - a nordic centric history During the height of the Roman Empire the Advance Scout Group set out from the land of the Northern Men, and on their way fought many battle but always prevailed and remained elusive remaining a chronic festering thorn in the Roman Army. About a hundred years later the ancestors reached the plains of northern Italy, where they were finally annihilated. The Normans (men from the north) and other incursions follows parallell with the final sacking of Rome by the Visi Goths from around the area of Gaetland (Beowulf and Grendel) (Goteborg (with two dots over the o (the swedish alphabet has three extra letters, a with a dot above it ( a bit like the o in gone , a with two dots (a bit like the a in bad, and o with two dots ( a bit like the u in turn ) (or anglicised Gothenburg)). The Normans, having attained a high autonomous status in Normandy, (they sacked Paris thrice as Vikings) attacked, in the 'Norman Conquest' of Britain (and at the same time the Norman conquest of Italy). In a classic pincer movement, continuing with the well thought out long term plan, the Danes responded to appeals for help from the loyal Brits.and helped their 'allies' to 'drive' the Normans to Oxford, sacked the city, and then went home leaving the poor remnants at the mercy of the Men from the North. Success. The final invasion was complete. Over east the Vikings pressed on into what they called 'the land of the Rus' (Russia), settled, and ruled it, while trading down the Volga with the Middle East. Likewise they settled the first (some say one of) democracies in Iceland and went on to settle North America, half a century before Columbus got there. Earlier they repeatedly attacked heavily with their berserkers and mop up teams and established a series of incursions on the Irish and British coast. Then, following the Bourgeoisie revolution in England (that later led to the foundations of modern unionism, the thesis of the serf being free to work for a pittance in horriffic conditions as England industrialised did thus lay the foundation of the antithesis as well.) Then this new army completed the invasion of Ireland and then went on to Australia and America. Ruthless, awesome but partly certainly not to be proud of. (my furthest possible ancestral roots (so far) are from about mid 1300's Norway) Then the ever present to and fro occupation and retreat of much of Europe and the black plague reached it and savged it (to the point that the survivors (according to some researchers) form a unique pocket of HIV immunity, diluted today to about 10% of the population.). There, yer all Scandinavians whether yous likes it or nuts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evan Burton Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Why do elephants have big ears? Because noddy won't pay the ransom... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evan Burton Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Another Dave Allen: The scene: back seat of a car in a deserted country field, late at night. Lady (crying): " You are a beast! What's a poor girl like me to do now? What will people say? My parents are going to be devastated. They'll ask me and I won't lie! I won't lie, I tell you! They'll ask and I'll tell them how you had your wicked way with me several times." Man: "Several? We've only done it once!" Lady: "You are going to do again, aren't you?" BOOM! BOOM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 Beam me up, Scotty. There are too many intelliget lifeforms down here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 there was a young lady from Leading, who had triplets, Pat, Nat and Tat. Apparently she found it was fun in the breeding (Many can attest to that being likely) but then she stated it was hell in the feeding when finding there was no tit for Tat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Simkin Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 One survey of men discovered that the Scots spent more time on foreplay than any other race. The results of this survey was disputed when it was established that pleading, moaning and cajoling did not qualify as a definition of foreplay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted April 28, 2009 Share Posted April 28, 2009 Computer Problem Report Form http://www.kissmyfloppy.com/pages/jokes.ph...=16&cat=all 1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________ __________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__ 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ 7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes__ 10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ 11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__ 12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ 13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ 14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________ 15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________ 16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________ 17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in. __________________________________________ 18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ 19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________ 20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________ 21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__ 22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cigdem Göle Posted May 13, 2009 Share Posted May 13, 2009 Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 . Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Woman. -------- DEAR DESPERATE WOMAN, First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to 0A Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck Lady! Tech Support Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David G. Healy Posted May 13, 2009 Share Posted May 13, 2009 Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 , and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 . Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Woman. -------- DEAR DESPERATE WOMAN, First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to 0A Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck Lady! Tech Support LMAO! thank you Cigdem Göle.... DHealy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted May 16, 2009 Share Posted May 16, 2009 A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 (edited) Monty Python Argument Sketch edit corrected link Edited June 3, 2009 by John Dolva Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted June 26, 2009 Share Posted June 26, 2009 joke of the world... Authorities investigating Authorities _____________________________ Activists Rights http://www.activistrights.org.au/cb_pages/...nts_details.php The three main goals of ACTIVIST RIGHTS: Legal Information and Resources are: -To provide comprehensive, accurate and accessible legal rights and activist legal information that can be used by a wide range of Victorian and Australian activists; -To strengthen the capacity of activist organisations to develop effective activist legal support structures and approaches to the police, courts and legal system; -To strengthen the capacity of community legal centres , progressive lawyers and legal support teams to support activists who are facing the police and legal system. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Simkin Posted July 2, 2009 Author Share Posted July 2, 2009 It is ridiculous to say that men cannot multi-task. I know several men who can make love and think of another woman at the same time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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