News from an insane Planet.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Manchester City in bid to buy history.

Manchester City today made an audacious bid to buy the history of more succesful clubs, Gary Cooke, City chief executive said. " We have decided to stop messing around and cut to the chase, I mean, we could spend billions of pounds on players and still win nothng, where's the fairness in that. so, with that in mind we have launched several bids to purchase the history of other clubs."

First up is a bid of 100 million for Liverpools 1976-77 season, netting City a league championship and European cup double. Expect further bids for Real Madrid, 1955- 60, and a mind blowing attempt to prize Man Utds 1999 treble from the cash strapped Old Trafford club.

[Cigdem Göle]

Amy Winehouse to become UN goodwill envoy.

Trouble haired, detox avoider Ms Winehouse is set to become a UN Envoy, following on from the spectacular succesess of Ginger Spices time spent in this role. Ms Winehouse said she expects to have brought World peace by next Tuesday, an end to hunger by March, and to have landed a Manned spacecraft on Mars by the Summer. Susan Boyle was unavailable for comment.

Rehab is for quitters.

I wonder if she accepted the task while she was high on fresh air.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

HEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE.

SARAH PALIN CALLS TIME ON "OBSCENE" CEO BONUS CULTURE

BIN LADEN TO SHAVE BEARD FOR BBC, CHILDREN IN NEED

GEORGE BUSH USES THE WORD ERUDITE CORRECTLY

LIVERPOOL WIN PREMIERSHIP, RAFA SPEECHLESS

SCOTTISH TOURIST BOARD ADMIT ,"NESSIE A BIG HOAX"

DAVID CAMERON TO APPEAR ON "I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE"

ENOCH POWELL STATUTE TO BE ERECTED IN NOTTING HILL

JORDAN TO JOIN NUNNERY