One of the things people do at parties is tell jokes. Here are some of the jokes that I like.
(1) "An American Indian paid a visit to New York. While shopping in a store, he got into conversation with the storekeeper, who asked:
'And how do you like our city?'
'Fine,' replied the Indian. 'And how do you like our country?'
(2) At the 20th Party Congress as Khruschev recounted the evils perpetrated by Stalin, a voice called from the hall:
'And where were you then?'
'Would the man who asked that question please stand up,' said Khruschev.
Silence. Nobody stands up.
'That's where we were too!' replied Khruschev.
(3) An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.
'They must have been English,' declares the Englishman. 'Only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman.'
'They were undoubtedly French,' says the Frenchman. 'Who else could seduce a woman so easily?'
'I think they were Russian,' says the Russian. 'After all, who else could walk around stark naked, feed on one apple between the two of them and think they were in paradise?'
(4) God invented modern war to teach the Americans geography.
Full Version: Jokes
Thanks John. Humour can be so delightful. Here's one of my favorites.
A policeman saw a man driving a car filled with penguins. He signaled for the man to pull over and then said to him, "What are you doing with a car full of penguins? Take them to the zoo at once!"
The next day the policeman noticed the same car with the same driver. The car was full of penguins again, but this time they were wearing sunglasses.
"I told yo yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo!" the policeman said.
"I did," said the man in the car. "Today we're going to the beach!"
Pamela
A policeman saw a man driving a car filled with penguins. He signaled for the man to pull over and then said to him, "What are you doing with a car full of penguins? Take them to the zoo at once!"
The next day the policeman noticed the same car with the same driver. The car was full of penguins again, but this time they were wearing sunglasses.
"I told yo yesterday to take those penguins to the zoo!" the policeman said.
"I did," said the man in the car. "Today we're going to the beach!"
Pamela
A terrible Christmas joke.
The Raindrop
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which her husband quietly replied:
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
The Raindrop
A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which her husband quietly replied:
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
Ah, jokes!
Q: Do you know why the three strikes law does not apply to business and chief executives?
A: They can´t count to three
Q: Do you know why the three strikes law does not apply to business and chief executives?
A: They can´t count to three
Some more bad ones.
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
What did the bus conductor say to the bald cat who got on his bus in Liverpool?
Wurs yer fur?
Wurs yer fur?
An old one, but still very funny......
Al Gore was in London and met the Queen. Gore asked the Queen about her leadership philosophy. The Queen said she found that the best way to govern was to surround herself with intelligent people. “But how do you know they are intelligent? Gore asked. “I ask them testing questions. For example, when Tony Blair became leader of the Labour Party, I telephoned him and asked the following question: “Your mother has a child, your father has a child and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
“Why it is me,” said Tony Blair, without a pause.
“Correct!” said the Queen.
Gore returned to America and called George W. Bush: “Mr President, may I ask you a question?” he said. “By all means”, said the President.
“Your mother has a child, your father has a child and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
George Bush was stumped and remained silent for a while before saying, “May I get back to you on that, Al?” He asked all his closest aides before finally ringing Colin Powell, to whom he posed the telling question. Powell, like Blair, replied, without pause: “It’s me.”
George Bush rang Gore and said: “I know the answer to your question. It’s Colin Powell.”
“Wrong,” said Gore. “It’s Tony Blair.”
Al Gore was in London and met the Queen. Gore asked the Queen about her leadership philosophy. The Queen said she found that the best way to govern was to surround herself with intelligent people. “But how do you know they are intelligent? Gore asked. “I ask them testing questions. For example, when Tony Blair became leader of the Labour Party, I telephoned him and asked the following question: “Your mother has a child, your father has a child and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
“Why it is me,” said Tony Blair, without a pause.
“Correct!” said the Queen.
Gore returned to America and called George W. Bush: “Mr President, may I ask you a question?” he said. “By all means”, said the President.
“Your mother has a child, your father has a child and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
George Bush was stumped and remained silent for a while before saying, “May I get back to you on that, Al?” He asked all his closest aides before finally ringing Colin Powell, to whom he posed the telling question. Powell, like Blair, replied, without pause: “It’s me.”
George Bush rang Gore and said: “I know the answer to your question. It’s Colin Powell.”
“Wrong,” said Gore. “It’s Tony Blair.”
QUOTE (Rowena Hopkins @ Dec 15 2004, 01:09 PM)
An old one, but still very funny......
Al Gore was in London and met the Queen. Gore asked the Queen about her leadership philosophy. The Queen said she found that the best way to govern was to surround herself with intelligent people. “But how do you know they are intelligent? Gore asked. “I ask them testing questions. For example, when Tony Blair became leader of the Labour Party, I telephoned him and asked the following question: “Your mother has a child, your father has a child and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
“Why it is me,” said Tony Blair, without a pause.
“Correct!” said the Queen.
Gore returned to America and called George W. Bush: “Mr President, may I ask you a question?” he said. “By all means”, said the President.
“Your mother has a child, your father has a child and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
George Bush was stumped and remained silent for a while before saying, “May I get back to you on that, Al?” He asked all his closest aides before finally ringing Colin Powell, to whom he posed the telling question. Powell, like Blair, replied, without pause: “It’s me.”
George Bush rang Gore and said: “I know the answer to your question. It’s Colin Powell.”
“Wrong,” said Gore. “It’s Tony Blair.”
Al Gore was in London and met the Queen. Gore asked the Queen about her leadership philosophy. The Queen said she found that the best way to govern was to surround herself with intelligent people. “But how do you know they are intelligent? Gore asked. “I ask them testing questions. For example, when Tony Blair became leader of the Labour Party, I telephoned him and asked the following question: “Your mother has a child, your father has a child and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
“Why it is me,” said Tony Blair, without a pause.
“Correct!” said the Queen.
Gore returned to America and called George W. Bush: “Mr President, may I ask you a question?” he said. “By all means”, said the President.
“Your mother has a child, your father has a child and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
George Bush was stumped and remained silent for a while before saying, “May I get back to you on that, Al?” He asked all his closest aides before finally ringing Colin Powell, to whom he posed the telling question. Powell, like Blair, replied, without pause: “It’s me.”
George Bush rang Gore and said: “I know the answer to your question. It’s Colin Powell.”
“Wrong,” said Gore. “It’s Tony Blair.”
John: You ought to have people reply and rate the jokes on a scale of 1-10. I'd give this one a 9!
QUOTE (Tim Gratz @ Dec 15 2004, 12:19 PM)
John: You ought to have people reply and rate the jokes on a scale of 1-10. I'd give this one a 9!
Maybe we should make nominations and then hold a poll. I also like Rowena's joke. I would give it a 9.5. I would also give the same mark to this one (as you can see, I like political jokes):
An American Indian paid a visit to New York. While shopping in a store, he got into conversation with the storekeeper, who asked:
'And how do you like our city?'
'Fine,' replied the Indian. 'And how do you like our country?'
OH! OH!!! here's one...(John, I had to hunt this one down from among the MANY that I received this past election season here in the "Un-tied" States...so this one's for you...Cheers!)
********************************************************************
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked
the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives
on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would called a
great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush
searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet
voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck
by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
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"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as heck
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either.
Great jokes, folks!
********************************************************************
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked
the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives
on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would called a
great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush
searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet
voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck
by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as heck
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either.
Great jokes, folks!
A German joke for a change: A classic from the GDR:
Der wichtigste Buchstabe der deutschen Sprache ist das W.
Wenn das W nicht wäre, hieße es nicht Warschauer Pakt.
Wenn das W nicht wäre, hieße es nicht Walter Ulbricht.
Wenn das W nicht wäre, hieße es nicht Waffenbrüderschaft.
Der wichtigste Buchstabe der deutschen Sprache ist das W.
Wenn das W nicht wäre, hieße es nicht Warschauer Pakt.
Wenn das W nicht wäre, hieße es nicht Walter Ulbricht.
Wenn das W nicht wäre, hieße es nicht Waffenbrüderschaft.
Hi all,
A little Japanese kid (about 5th grade) is transfered from one school to another. On his first day in his new class the teacher says, "Today we are going to have an oral test, I'll ask a question and if you know the answer raise your hand." So the teacher asked " Who said give me liberty or give me death and what year did the person say it?" The little Japanese kid looked around the class and saw that no one had raise their hand so he raised his hand. The teacher called on him, and he said, " Patrick Henry 1775." The teacher said " That correct very good." Well a big bully in the back of the room got kinda mad that this Japanese kid knew more about American history than he did, so he said "***-damn Japs" The teacher heard him and immediately ask " who said that." The little Japanese kid said--
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General Macarthur 1945
Mike
A little Japanese kid (about 5th grade) is transfered from one school to another. On his first day in his new class the teacher says, "Today we are going to have an oral test, I'll ask a question and if you know the answer raise your hand." So the teacher asked " Who said give me liberty or give me death and what year did the person say it?" The little Japanese kid looked around the class and saw that no one had raise their hand so he raised his hand. The teacher called on him, and he said, " Patrick Henry 1775." The teacher said " That correct very good." Well a big bully in the back of the room got kinda mad that this Japanese kid knew more about American history than he did, so he said "***-damn Japs" The teacher heard him and immediately ask " who said that." The little Japanese kid said--
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General Macarthur 1945
Mike
An old , very old, joke is of course; "who invented the steam engine? Watt. I asked who invented the steam engine! " In real life that could never happen, or could it..Last weekend some asked me the question and i replied; Watt. Surprisingly the question was asked again... 
QUOTE (Marco Koene @ Dec 15 2004, 07:41 PM)
An old , very old, joke is of course; "who invented the steam engine? Watt. I asked who invented the steam engine! " In real life that could never happen, or could it..Last weekend some asked me the question and i replied; Watt. Surprisingly the question was asked again...
Reminds me of the story (supposedly true) that many people have called Microsoft Support to ask which one is the "any" key.
A man walks into a publick house with a slab of black asphalt, says, "Give me one, and another for the Road!"
A Texan walked into a bar in Montana and being from Texas proceeded to brag about how everything was bigger and everyone better and tougher than anybody else. Finally, the bartender had his fill of the braggert and said to him, "hey Listen you, you're not in Texas anymore, you're in Montana and here you've got to prove yourself," upon which the Texan replied," I can do anything you say better than anyone else." The bartender said, "Alright then, first, you've got to drink this entire bottle of whiskey, and after that go out and wrestle a Grizzley Bear, and when you've done that then you've got to come back here and make passionate love to that old Barfly sitting at that back table." The Texan said, No Problem" and drank the bottle of whiskey in one gulp, left the bar and returned after a couple of hours all tore to hell; clothing all ripped to shreds; bleeding from about every part of his body and arrogantly declared, "allright, where's that Barfly I'm supposed to wrestle?" 
> > Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
> > were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
> > the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna
> > promptly jumped in to save him.
> > She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room
> > When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
> > immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because
> > she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
> > She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news .The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
> rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another
> > patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the
> > patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt
> > right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
> > Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon
> > can I go home?"
> > were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
> > the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna
> > promptly jumped in to save him.
> > She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room
> > When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
> > immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because
> > she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
> > She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news .The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
> rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another
> > patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the
> > patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt
> > right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.
> > Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon
> > can I go home?"
Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
and of course Rudolph
Are you aware that there is a tenth reindeer?
It is only mentioned once.
It is in the song "Rudolf the red nosed reindeer."
If you recall
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"Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."
You will be delighted to know I don't tell jokes at parties.
and of course Rudolph
Are you aware that there is a tenth reindeer?
It is only mentioned once.
It is in the song "Rudolf the red nosed reindeer."
If you recall
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"Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."
You will be delighted to know I don't tell jokes at parties.
The best Irish joke (and this one is in very good taste) I ever heard goes as follows:
An English builder is keen to implement the EU’s policy of job mobility, so he advertises a job in an international trade paper. Three applicants turn up: a Frenchman, a German and an Irishman. When the builder interviews them he points out that a basic knowledge of English is essential, especially of terms used in the building trade, so he has devised a little test. He asks each one of them the same question: “ Can you explain to me the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”
The Frenchman shrugs his shoulders, admitting that he does not understand the terms. The German also admits that he has no idea.
Before the builder puts the question to the Irishman, he says “I know you speak English, but in the interests of equal treatment I have to ask you the same question as the other two: “What is the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”
The Irishman replies, “Sure, everyone knows that. Goethe wrote ‘Faust’ and Joyce wrote ‘Ulysses’.”
I guess most people know that what the English call Irish jokes originated as Kerryman jokes in Ireland – and there are some very good ones.
An English builder is keen to implement the EU’s policy of job mobility, so he advertises a job in an international trade paper. Three applicants turn up: a Frenchman, a German and an Irishman. When the builder interviews them he points out that a basic knowledge of English is essential, especially of terms used in the building trade, so he has devised a little test. He asks each one of them the same question: “ Can you explain to me the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”
The Frenchman shrugs his shoulders, admitting that he does not understand the terms. The German also admits that he has no idea.
Before the builder puts the question to the Irishman, he says “I know you speak English, but in the interests of equal treatment I have to ask you the same question as the other two: “What is the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”
The Irishman replies, “Sure, everyone knows that. Goethe wrote ‘Faust’ and Joyce wrote ‘Ulysses’.”
I guess most people know that what the English call Irish jokes originated as Kerryman jokes in Ireland – and there are some very good ones.
What do you say to an angry witch?
Ribbit!
Ribbit!
Bear with me...this is a long one...
(I am submitting this one in honor of my dear departed brother-in-law, Bill, who could tell story jokes so well that it would take me three weekend visits for him to get to the punch line! This one doesn’t take quite that long and Tim’s Microsoft joke reminded me that I had it tucked away for an occasion such as this.)
Abbott & Costello - A modern version of "Who's on first?" - Enjoy!
(COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . )
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office...can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click YOUR blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers....OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel Two, Three AND Four!! Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What
do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one…but it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of MONEY with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A FEW DAYS LATER ...)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...
*******************
********************
(I am submitting this one in honor of my dear departed brother-in-law, Bill, who could tell story jokes so well that it would take me three weekend visits for him to get to the punch line! This one doesn’t take quite that long and Tim’s Microsoft joke reminded me that I had it tucked away for an occasion such as this.)
Abbott & Costello - A modern version of "Who's on first?" - Enjoy!
(COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . )
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office...can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click YOUR blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers....OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel Two, Three AND Four!! Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What
do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one…but it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even
part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of MONEY with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A FEW DAYS LATER ...)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...
*******************
********************
A joke I like:
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery.
He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk
answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to
spend the night.
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to
sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was
awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about
the sound that had woke him.
"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound.
You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks
for their kindness and went on his way.
During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the
alluring sound. Several years later the man happened to be driving in
the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked
admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his
previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another
night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man
stayed with them again. Late that night, he heard the strange
beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain
the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.
"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to
give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could
learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and
began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years
later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order
and asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He
opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a
second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had
passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.
The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the
wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many
years before ........
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
But, you can't be told what it was. You're not a monk.
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery.
He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk
answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to
spend the night.
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to
sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was
awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about
the sound that had woke him.
"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound.
You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks
for their kindness and went on his way.
During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the
alluring sound. Several years later the man happened to be driving in
the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked
admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his
previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another
night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man
stayed with them again. Late that night, he heard the strange
beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain
the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.
"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to
give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could
learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and
began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years
later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.
When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order
and asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He
opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a
second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had
passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.
The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the
wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many
years before ........
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
But, you can't be told what it was. You're not a monk.
Art For Art’s Sake
Jackson Pollock had a friend, Art, who used to drink with Jackson Pollock.
Art would bring over wine and beer, at first, then he started buying ports and sherries. Pollock would get drunk, drizzle some paint and rampage while Art would get drunk and intercept the groupies, answer the phone and buy more exotic booze. Jackson Pollock was forced to watch as Art went from Sherry to Sake and lost his mind on Japanese wine. Art bought ten cases of fine Tokyo Sake and smashed all ten cases by the pool. Jackson Pollock had to pay damages and that’s when he started painting art for Art’s Sake!
Jackson Pollock had a friend, Art, who used to drink with Jackson Pollock.
Art would bring over wine and beer, at first, then he started buying ports and sherries. Pollock would get drunk, drizzle some paint and rampage while Art would get drunk and intercept the groupies, answer the phone and buy more exotic booze. Jackson Pollock was forced to watch as Art went from Sherry to Sake and lost his mind on Japanese wine. Art bought ten cases of fine Tokyo Sake and smashed all ten cases by the pool. Jackson Pollock had to pay damages and that’s when he started painting art for Art’s Sake!
Derek McMillan,Dec 16 2004, 10:38 PM said:
---
"Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."
That is cute. My husband's name is Donner. I just put out handtowels with his name on them, and, of course, a flying raindeer.
However, when we first met, and he said Donner was a family name, I asked if he was related to the Donners of the Pass in California (where they had eaten each other to survive). How not to make a great first impression.
We have managed to survive that though.
Pamela
---
"Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."
That is cute. My husband's name is Donner. I just put out handtowels with his name on them, and, of course, a flying raindeer.
However, when we first met, and he said Donner was a family name, I asked if he was related to the Donners of the Pass in California (where they had eaten each other to survive). How not to make a great first impression.
We have managed to survive that though.
Pamela
For All You Academics In Your Ivory Towers:
In the reading of Welsh area qualitative texts, is the narrative informed intentionally by foregrounding the author’s extensive affection for post-structural theory? Nevertheless, with deconstruction-based literary historicism now an unworkable approach, post-modern and even post-critical readers are looking at industrial time compression, and they ask an allowable inference—is the crisis of modernity only conventional myopia? Or are malaise, ennui and anomie the paradox of authority, part of a schaudenfraude of worn Durkheim precepts as derived from the Welsh constructed trope? Is an I-specific overview capable of empirical simplification? Are master narratives suitable for abstract re-engineering by impersonal auditors? The text of behavioral instincts between colonial contacts observed by elites and other modes of assumed volition never eliminates the literate class and their volitional agreement. Welsh bourgeoisie preferences emphasize the counter-intuitive apprehensions, unless, as seen by Michele Foucault, counter-inferred by an objective Welsh subject. In “Natures of Form” Jacques Orlorn demonstrates how roundabout applied research obscures literary format source inductions bearing on older Welsh instrumentalities. Thus, an approach to culturally influenced actions intermediate between existential and inherently policy-derived behavior is mooted. Transactional and trade-advantage interpersonal dynamics often show us a signatory actor capable of employing a school and approach, without working within a text, poised self-consciously between questions related to the queried available data and graphic examples of qualified uncertainty. Feminist and Sub-Altern economic umpires troll through pamphlets dire with power imbalances, cultural disadvantages and present minded Welsh teleology. A pandemic exegesis of spuriously encoded neology, and yet the antinomian ideas yield a strictly Cartesian dilemma—to accept, unalloyed, the new Marxian social precepts, or continue to exclude all presumptions of time-texts having an authoritative voice? In post-colonial and sub-structural dramatic encounters throughout the metropole and contact zone, a new discursive explanation of epistemology gives us primacy, the advantage of Welsh hermeneutic analysis. Without interior space to block intent, is the post-modern paradigm inclusive and elastic in form? If so, does this disallow the false dilemma, and what of the Insider? Is a witting paradox instead of the derived knowledge possible if one is reading with a master narrative’s emphasis on order and a protagonism? The constructed Other, a product of modernity and a victim of liberal, enlightened modern social survival experiments inside the political domain experiences alienation and hostile Welsh identity group formations. We posit these as pre-ascribed identities. Here a thought reflex mimetic of western elites, with ample limitations, the mass, mob, isolated, unwashed, enjoys tertiary responses in gambling, alcohol, tobacco and counter-deduced tabloid periodicals. So the established fallacy of historicism fails at reaching exhaustive critical quantitative criteria. Subsequent analysis prearranges a primacy concerning urban Welsh traditions emanating in the recent authorities, ie, a legitimizing rhetoricism.
Or as the Search Engines say, POST-MODERN THEORY....
CLARK SHANET
In the reading of Welsh area qualitative texts, is the narrative informed intentionally by foregrounding the author’s extensive affection for post-structural theory? Nevertheless, with deconstruction-based literary historicism now an unworkable approach, post-modern and even post-critical readers are looking at industrial time compression, and they ask an allowable inference—is the crisis of modernity only conventional myopia? Or are malaise, ennui and anomie the paradox of authority, part of a schaudenfraude of worn Durkheim precepts as derived from the Welsh constructed trope? Is an I-specific overview capable of empirical simplification? Are master narratives suitable for abstract re-engineering by impersonal auditors? The text of behavioral instincts between colonial contacts observed by elites and other modes of assumed volition never eliminates the literate class and their volitional agreement. Welsh bourgeoisie preferences emphasize the counter-intuitive apprehensions, unless, as seen by Michele Foucault, counter-inferred by an objective Welsh subject. In “Natures of Form” Jacques Orlorn demonstrates how roundabout applied research obscures literary format source inductions bearing on older Welsh instrumentalities. Thus, an approach to culturally influenced actions intermediate between existential and inherently policy-derived behavior is mooted. Transactional and trade-advantage interpersonal dynamics often show us a signatory actor capable of employing a school and approach, without working within a text, poised self-consciously between questions related to the queried available data and graphic examples of qualified uncertainty. Feminist and Sub-Altern economic umpires troll through pamphlets dire with power imbalances, cultural disadvantages and present minded Welsh teleology. A pandemic exegesis of spuriously encoded neology, and yet the antinomian ideas yield a strictly Cartesian dilemma—to accept, unalloyed, the new Marxian social precepts, or continue to exclude all presumptions of time-texts having an authoritative voice? In post-colonial and sub-structural dramatic encounters throughout the metropole and contact zone, a new discursive explanation of epistemology gives us primacy, the advantage of Welsh hermeneutic analysis. Without interior space to block intent, is the post-modern paradigm inclusive and elastic in form? If so, does this disallow the false dilemma, and what of the Insider? Is a witting paradox instead of the derived knowledge possible if one is reading with a master narrative’s emphasis on order and a protagonism? The constructed Other, a product of modernity and a victim of liberal, enlightened modern social survival experiments inside the political domain experiences alienation and hostile Welsh identity group formations. We posit these as pre-ascribed identities. Here a thought reflex mimetic of western elites, with ample limitations, the mass, mob, isolated, unwashed, enjoys tertiary responses in gambling, alcohol, tobacco and counter-deduced tabloid periodicals. So the established fallacy of historicism fails at reaching exhaustive critical quantitative criteria. Subsequent analysis prearranges a primacy concerning urban Welsh traditions emanating in the recent authorities, ie, a legitimizing rhetoricism.
Or as the Search Engines say, POST-MODERN THEORY....
CLARK SHANET
I can tell this because it comes from a female friend:
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
(SEE BELOW)
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever *and* evil.
Don't mess with us.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
(SEE BELOW)
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever *and* evil.
Don't mess with us.
I like the true story of the gridiron player from the seventies. When he was asked how did he think he'll perform on astroturf he replied, "I dunno--I ain't never smoked astroturf"
New words for 2005 (courtesy of Yahoo)
TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks.
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL HEAD - A head who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the head rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die.
TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks.
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL HEAD - A head who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the head rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die.
What do you get when you cross a mobster with a post-modernist?
An offer you can't understand!
An offer you can't understand!
A KEY WEST PIRATE JOKE:
One hundred years ago, a pirate walked into a Key West bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible". "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine" "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye".
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo-doo?"
"It was my first day with the hook"
One hundred years ago, a pirate walked into a Key West bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible". "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine" "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye".
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo-doo?"
"It was my first day with the hook"
A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, she notices a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but it looks so striking she decides she must have it. She takes it to the owner: "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner.
The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat; you can keep the story."
As she walks down the street carrying the bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little bit faster.
Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot towards the Bay. She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they are all squealing and coming towards her faster and faster. Terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Aha," says the owner, "I'll bet you have come back for the story.". . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Naah-- I'm not goin' to tell you guys the story!!
. . .
. . .
. . .
Well, maybe for one hundred bucks!
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner.
The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat; you can keep the story."
As she walks down the street carrying the bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little bit faster.
Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot towards the Bay. She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they are all squealing and coming towards her faster and faster. Terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.
The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Aha," says the owner, "I'll bet you have come back for the story.". . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
Naah-- I'm not goin' to tell you guys the story!!
. . .
. . .
. . .
Well, maybe for one hundred bucks!
Now I know why you push the Castro did it theory?
Not sure if I understand your theory, John.
Trust me if I was a paid disinformation agent I would not be working seven days a week!
But I apologize for that last joke--it actually had a different punch-line that I changed for purposes of propriety.
Trust me if I was a paid disinformation agent I would not be working seven days a week!
But I apologize for that last joke--it actually had a different punch-line that I changed for purposes of propriety.
The Kings of Peru were the great Incaas
Known throughout the world as great drinkas
They Lolled in the Sun
Had Barrels of Fun
But their Subjects thought they were stinkas
Known throughout the world as great drinkas
They Lolled in the Sun
Had Barrels of Fun
But their Subjects thought they were stinkas
GREAT EXERCISE FOR "COUCH POTATOES"!!!
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,
where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where
you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,
where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.
Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where
you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your
arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Must assume there is a heaven to get this joke!
Is There Baseball in Heaven?
Two elderly men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe. You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."
And shortly after that, Sam passed on.
Midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me. Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe. "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams, but what's the bad news?"
. . .
. . .
. . .
"You're pitching tomorrow."
Is There Baseball in Heaven?
Two elderly men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe. You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."
And shortly after that, Sam passed on.
Midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me. Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe. "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams, but what's the bad news?"
. . .
. . .
. . .
"You're pitching tomorrow."
Did you hear about the homeless baseball player ?
He was high and outside.
He was high and outside.
Why are 'Pirates' called 'pirates' ?
They just arrrrrrrr
They just arrrrrrrr
The name?s Campbell, Duncan Campbell
It really is tough on James Bond. I think we all know that he could sort the masterminds of the Al Qaeda out within two and a half hours. He could obtain the secret plans, possibly delving beneath the burhkas of a couple of improbably sexy and statuesque Al Qaeda agents in the process. He would find the evil Osama Bin Laden in his cave provocatively stroking a milk-white pussy (cat). A spectacular
set-piece confrontation would blow, shoot and karate him and his cohorts to kingdom come.
IRL James would obtain the information only to be told that it was the wrong information:
"007, this report is excellent. A first class piece of work and really first rate information. Just a couple of things: could you just change the words 'Saudi Arabia' to 'Iraq' and 'Pakistan' to 'Afghanistan'. And all this evidence that the war helped Al Qaeda recruitment: just lose it will you. I want a revised report on my desk tomorrow morning."
"Oh and just one other thing 007, when I say I want your reports sexed up I don't expect you to turn them into soft pornography."
It really is tough on James Bond. I think we all know that he could sort the masterminds of the Al Qaeda out within two and a half hours. He could obtain the secret plans, possibly delving beneath the burhkas of a couple of improbably sexy and statuesque Al Qaeda agents in the process. He would find the evil Osama Bin Laden in his cave provocatively stroking a milk-white pussy (cat). A spectacular
set-piece confrontation would blow, shoot and karate him and his cohorts to kingdom come.
IRL James would obtain the information only to be told that it was the wrong information:
"007, this report is excellent. A first class piece of work and really first rate information. Just a couple of things: could you just change the words 'Saudi Arabia' to 'Iraq' and 'Pakistan' to 'Afghanistan'. And all this evidence that the war helped Al Qaeda recruitment: just lose it will you. I want a revised report on my desk tomorrow morning."
"Oh and just one other thing 007, when I say I want your reports sexed up I don't expect you to turn them into soft pornography."
Yes I meant Alistair.
I have never been able to tell Campbells apart - aftershock of the Glencoe massacre probably.
I have never been able to tell Campbells apart - aftershock of the Glencoe massacre probably.
Here are some one-liners from Groucho Marx (it makes a change from quoting his brother, Karl Marx):
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A man is as young as the woman he feels.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A man is as young as the woman he feels.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Another Groucho Marx quote (that fit well into the debate about US democracy)
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people
One of my favorites is this one
I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that
In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people
One of my favorites is this one
I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that
I like Goldwynisms. The following are attributed to Sam Goldwyn, founder of MGM:
- “ I never prophesy – especially about the future."
- "Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."
- "I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."
- "I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."
- "Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."
- "If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."
- "I read part of it all the way through."
- “If I look confused it's because I'm thinking."
- “When I want your opinion I will give it to you."
- “I don't want yes men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs."
- “You are going to call him William? What kind of a name is that? Every Tom, Dick, Harry is called William."
- “An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
- “Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."
- “True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe."
- “It's more magnificent than mediocre."
- “I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
- "Gentlemen, include me out."
- "A hospital is no place to be sick."
- “If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."
- “That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg."
- “Never make forecasts, especially about the future."
- “Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale!
- “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
- “You fail to overlook the crucial point."
- “It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."
- “Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."
- “I never liked you and I always will."
- “A bachelor's life is no life for a single man".
- “In two words im-possible."
- “We have all passed a lot of water since then."
- “This makes me sore, it gets my dandruff up."
- “My wife's hands are very beautiful. I'm going to have a bust made of them."
- “If you can't give me your word of honour, will you give me your promise?"
- When he first saw Ava Gardner's screen test she had a thick southern accent at the time. His response was,”She doesn't even speak English. Bring her back next year."
- When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered,”Yes, but keep copies."
- “ I never prophesy – especially about the future."
- "Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."
- "I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."
- "I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."
- "Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."
- "If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."
- "I read part of it all the way through."
- “If I look confused it's because I'm thinking."
- “When I want your opinion I will give it to you."
- “I don't want yes men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs."
- “You are going to call him William? What kind of a name is that? Every Tom, Dick, Harry is called William."
- “An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
- “Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."
- “True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe."
- “It's more magnificent than mediocre."
- “I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it."
- "Gentlemen, include me out."
- "A hospital is no place to be sick."
- “If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."
- “That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg."
- “Never make forecasts, especially about the future."
- “Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale!
- “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
- “You fail to overlook the crucial point."
- “It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."
- “Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."
- “I never liked you and I always will."
- “A bachelor's life is no life for a single man".
- “In two words im-possible."
- “We have all passed a lot of water since then."
- “This makes me sore, it gets my dandruff up."
- “My wife's hands are very beautiful. I'm going to have a bust made of them."
- “If you can't give me your word of honour, will you give me your promise?"
- When he first saw Ava Gardner's screen test she had a thick southern accent at the time. His response was,”She doesn't even speak English. Bring her back next year."
- When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered,”Yes, but keep copies."
Not a joke as such. I am a poet and this might amuse some of you. . .
The Danger of Abbreviations
"Tiny PCs goes into administration. . ."
Headline, BBC Business News, July 27, 2005
Tiny police constables in giant bobby's helmets swarm
over the London Underground! Must be a strategy
to get 'em to crawl under passenger seats,
bite the legs of terrorists as they get ready
to blow up their backpacks, their midget
incisors specially sharpened for the job.
Christopher T. George
The Danger of Abbreviations
"Tiny PCs goes into administration. . ."
Headline, BBC Business News, July 27, 2005
Tiny police constables in giant bobby's helmets swarm
over the London Underground! Must be a strategy
to get 'em to crawl under passenger seats,
bite the legs of terrorists as they get ready
to blow up their backpacks, their midget
incisors specially sharpened for the job.
Christopher T. George
The BBC have made some interesting headlines in the past. The especially good ones are those that are not funny when spoken but when they come up on the 'Breaking News' ticker it looks very funny!
Attributed to Oscar Wilde. " Nobody can think more highly of you than I do,and I think your a dirty bas****.
(1) Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac atheist?
He lies awake at night wondering if there is a Dog.
(2) Paedophile
What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A bigger parish
(3) Lord’s Prayer
A marketing consultant hired at KFC got an audience with the Pope and offered him a million dollars if he would change the Lord's Prayer from "give us this day our daily bread," to "give us this day our daily chicken".
The Pope refused the offer.
Two weeks later the consultant offered 10 million, but the Pope refused again. Another week later the offer was increased to 20 million.
The Pope accepted.
The following day the Pope briefed his staff. "I have some good news and some bad news," he said. "The good news is that we have just received 20 million dollars. The bad news is that we've lost the Hovis account."
(4) Confession
Michael took Kevin along with him to confession for moral support. Kevin waited in the pews while Michael approached the confessional.
"Forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Ah Michael," sighed the priest, "you have grieved the Holy Spirit. Tell me, was it Mary McCarthy?"
"I can't tell you, father," answered Michael, "I promised I wouldn't say, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Michael, this is not what you have been taught by Mother Church. Was it Sinead O'Rourke?"
"I can't say, father, I promised I wouldn't, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Ah, Michael, your poor mother and father would be heartbroken to know this. I wonder, was it Philomena Donnelly?"
"I can't tell you, father, I promised, forgive me, I have been with a woman."
"Michael, my son, I harboured such high hopes for you when you were an altar boy. Tell me, was it Therese Murphy?"
"Father, I can't say, I promised, forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
The priest pronounced, "Michael, you must say 50 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys."
"Thank you, father," a relieved Michael acknowledged, and went back to the pews where his mate Kevin was waiting.
"Michael, Michael, what did the father say?"
"He gave me 50 Our Fathers, 30 Hail Marys and four good leads."
Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac atheist?
He lies awake at night wondering if there is a Dog.
(2) Paedophile
What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A bigger parish
(3) Lord’s Prayer
A marketing consultant hired at KFC got an audience with the Pope and offered him a million dollars if he would change the Lord's Prayer from "give us this day our daily bread," to "give us this day our daily chicken".
The Pope refused the offer.
Two weeks later the consultant offered 10 million, but the Pope refused again. Another week later the offer was increased to 20 million.
The Pope accepted.
The following day the Pope briefed his staff. "I have some good news and some bad news," he said. "The good news is that we have just received 20 million dollars. The bad news is that we've lost the Hovis account."
(4) Confession
Michael took Kevin along with him to confession for moral support. Kevin waited in the pews while Michael approached the confessional.
"Forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Ah Michael," sighed the priest, "you have grieved the Holy Spirit. Tell me, was it Mary McCarthy?"
"I can't tell you, father," answered Michael, "I promised I wouldn't say, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Michael, this is not what you have been taught by Mother Church. Was it Sinead O'Rourke?"
"I can't say, father, I promised I wouldn't, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Ah, Michael, your poor mother and father would be heartbroken to know this. I wonder, was it Philomena Donnelly?"
"I can't tell you, father, I promised, forgive me, I have been with a woman."
"Michael, my son, I harboured such high hopes for you when you were an altar boy. Tell me, was it Therese Murphy?"
"Father, I can't say, I promised, forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
The priest pronounced, "Michael, you must say 50 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys."
"Thank you, father," a relieved Michael acknowledged, and went back to the pews where his mate Kevin was waiting.
"Michael, Michael, what did the father say?"
"He gave me 50 Our Fathers, 30 Hail Marys and four good leads."
I RECEIVED THIS e-MALE FROM A FEMALE FRIEND. HOW SHOULD I REPLY?
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind. Last week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me
last year...that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he
hasn't called back. I guess he felt really stupid, huh???
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind. Last week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me
last year...that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he
hasn't called back. I guess he felt really stupid, huh???
got this from a friend in US, there is hope!
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light
> bulb?
The Answer is TEN:
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed .
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to
be changed .
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb .
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either: "For
changing the light bulb or for darkness."
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb .
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on
a stepladder under the banner "Light Bulb Change Accomplished."
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark."
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has
had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along .
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
>
>
>
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light
> bulb?
The Answer is TEN:
1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed .
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to
be changed .
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb .
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either: "For
changing the light bulb or for darkness."
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb .
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on
a stepladder under the banner "Light Bulb Change Accomplished."
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark."
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has
had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along .
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
>
>
>
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
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