PART III: GRAY DOES GRAYYou raise up your head
And you ask, "Is this where it is?"
And somebody points to you and says, "It's his"
And you say, "What's mine?"
And somebody else says, "Well, what is?"
And you say, "Oh my God, am I here all alone?"
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?
—Bob Dylan
Mr. Gray! I'm so happy you were able to be exhumed, so to speak. You don't mind if we just sit here in the graveyard where it's quiet and chat, do you? You're really Mr. Speer's star witness, and I know that you, having been Acting Director of the FBI, would never tell anything but the truth, and that you weren't actually working directly with John Dean to railroad the whole thing CIA's way—(we're just going to overlook that little park bench thing between you and Dean for now)—so I would be so grateful if you could climb up here and clear this whole "forgeries" thing up.
It's very, very confused right now. So for the sake of everyone's sanity, here in the No-See-Um Zone, let's please, for the love of God, get right to it. Now, the first thing that we simply have got to get established, and I mean
right now, is that you saw what Hunt says he forged, which is TWO cables. He at least did stick religiously, in everything he said about these "cables," to having forged TWO cables, and then Dean came in and just stabbed him in the back. It was ugly, and I'm glad you slept through it.
Dean simply must have gotten it all wrong, and I know that you got what you say you got from Dean, so could you please corroborate Mr. Hunt before this whole "cables" thing just disintegrates? Somebody needs to. Apparently you finally succumbed to the temptation to peek into those mysterious brown envelopes that Dean had made for you, and you saw something. So tell us what you saw in the one, and only one, envelope you've testified had something to do with cables in it.
L. PATRICK GRAY: To this point, I had not read or examined the files. But immediately before putting them in the fire, I opened one of the files. It contained what appeared to be copies of Top Secret State Department cablegrams. I read the first cable. I do not recall the exact language, but the text of the cable implicated officials of the Kennedy administration in the assassination of President Diem of South Viet Nam.
I had no reason then to doubt the authenticity of the cable, and was shaken at what I read. I thumbed through the other cables in this file. They appeared to be duplicates of the first cable.

They appeared to be
what?L. PATRICK GRAY: They appeared to be duplicates of the first cable.
One cable. One lone cable. With a whole file folder full of duplicates of...
Mr. Gray, do you have any idea what this graveside testimony is doing to Mr. Speer right now?
Let me get this entirely contained in the brain: somehow, E. Howard Hunt was able to forge
one cable that
alone, all by its little self, with absolutely no contextual continuity with all the other authentic State Department cables, was a smoking gun pinning the murder of two major world figures on the Kennedy administration—but of course WHO in the Kennedy adminstration just slips your mind.
Do I have this completely correct, Mr. Gray? Could you repeat it just so I don't make any false step here?
L. PATRICK GRAY: I do not recall the exact language, but the text of the cable implicated officials of the Kennedy administration in the assassination of President Diem of South Viet Nam.
Oh. It implicated "officials." Just some unnamed "officials" of the Kennedy administration. Of course it did. And you just can't recall any of their names, or what they said in this "Single Cable Theory" that got two world leaders assassinated. This is better than the Kennedy assassination: one magic cable could bring down TWO major leaders completely on the other side of the world. And you actually crawled off somewhere to rot, leaving that transparent, ridiculous lie as your legacy? This is what Mr. Speer has his "case" <SPIT!> built on?
Nahhhh, you wouldn't lie, would you, Mr. Gray?
I know you wouldn't lie, because here's what Mr. Speer said about the weight of your completely honest testimony. In fact, it was his big bazooka in his Bazooka Joe comic farce:
QUOTE (Pat Speer @ Jul 3 2006, 04:14 AM)

On August 3, 1973, former acting FBI Director L. Patrick Gray testified before the Watergate Committee. He'd been forced to resign after John Dean came forward admitting the existence of the cables, and that he'd given the cables to Gray. Upon resignation, Gray admitted he'd destroyed the cables.
Here is the relevant part of his testimony:
"I distinctly recall that I burned them during Christmas week with the Christmas and household paper trash that had accumulated immediately following Christmas. To this point I had not read or examined the files. But immediately before putting them in the fire I opened one of the files. It contained what appeared to be copies of "Top Secret" state department cablegrams. I read the first cable. I do not recall the exact language but the text of the cable implicated officials of the Kennedy Administration in the assassination of President Diem of South Vietnam."
Now, isn't that interesting, Mr. Gray? Mr. Speer found that to be the "relevant part of your testimony." Whereas I just found that it completely impeached the last shred of a story that Hunt had, and also was a completely hare-brained "Single Cable Theory," which even Hunt was never so damned stupid as to claim. And that's saying a lot!
I also wonder why Mr. Speer cut off the part of your "relevant testimony"—the part about about there being nothing but duplicates of the ONE cable in the ONE folder that had any cables at all.
There are so many strange, strange "confessions" in the No-See-Um Zone, Pat.
Speaking of which, before you crumble into dust before our very eyes, let's revisit the other half of the "relevant" testimony Mr. Speer carefully selected: the burning. Oh, yes: the cheery Christmas fire. Before we start exploring the actual circumstances under which these no-see-um cables supposedly went up in smoke, I'm sure you recall—you probably have it as your epitath—your fellow Connecticut resident, Lowell Weicker, just about cried telling the world how much truth you had brought to them, and what a fine, fine, honest, believable fellow you were.
(Hmmmmm. Who else was from Connecticut that Weicker seemed to want to hold hands with? The name escapes me. Baldhead? No; that's you, Mr Gray. Sorry. Baldfaced? Was that it? I think that rings a bell, but I digress. It'll come to me.)
Back to the Great Hunt Forged Cable Burning: I have this strange story from
TIME magazine, May 7, 1973. Now, you say in your "relevant testimony" that you burned these cables at your home in Stonington, Connecticut, after Christmas 1972—and only after taking them first to your apartment and putting them on a closet shelf under your shirts, then taking them back to your office, then taking them out to your house, keeping them in a chest-of-drawers, unopened, for almost six months. No, I wasn't grinning. No, sure, I believe you. But let me read you this
TIME magazine thing, which is weird:
...[A]t a meeting in Ehrlichman's office on June 28 [1972], Dean had handed the folders to Gray with the remark: "These papers should never see the light of day."
Even though his own agents at the time were searching for Hunt to quiz him about Watergate, Gray obediently took these files home, put them in a closet over the weekend, then carried them to his office and discarded them in a "burn bag" to be destroyed. Although some other FBI officials do not believe him, Gray claimed he did not even look at the papers to see what he was burning.
It's hard to feel embarrased for a cadaver, Mr. Gray. But this is just about too much. You're Mr. Speer's big star witness, and you're just lying every time you open your desiccated bony mouth about anything.
In fact, wasn't it your good, good buddy, Lowell Weicker, who was also so very sweet with—BALDWIN! That's his name! Right! You know, I didn't think I could find a bigger pack of liars than that bunch that Baldwin hung out with over Memorial Day weekend 1972, but I think you and Mr. Dean are running neck-and-neck with that rat pack poor old Mr. Baldwin got taken in by. Of course both sets have Hunt in common, and that helps.
But back to your good buddy Weicker. I do believe that you went and confessed to him about this burning of Hunt's stuff, didn't you? And isn't Weicker himself the one who broke it to the press right at the most crucial time to do the most possible damange? You were really rubbing up on Weicker in Congress about this, weren't you? And he was just eatin' it up. Let's peek in on your Congressional testimony, answering Weicker, where you're talking about that meeting with Mr. Peterson with Attorny General Kleindienst leading to your resignation:
L. PATRICK GRAY: We both sat in chairs in front of the Attorney General's desk, and I told them that I had spoken with you [Senator Lowell Weicker]. I did not say to them that you had talked to the press, even though you had told me that you did. You said to me, "You're probably going to be the angriest man in the world at me for talking to the press," and I said, "No, you ought to be the angriest man in the world at me." I did not say that you had given this information to the press, but I said I believe Senator Weicker knows all about this because I have spoken to him.
Now
that was a real Hallmark moment between you and Lowell. Except, Pat: I don't seem to recall your saying anything to Mr. Weicker about a "burn bag" to be destroyed. That's those things that get picked up and carted off somewhere for incineration. But that's what Weicker told the press. So if that isn't what you had told Weicker, then Weicker lied, too. Is that what you say you had told him? That you used a "burn bag" in your office sometime in early July 1972, long, long before Christmas? Let's just check. And I love how Talmadge calls you "Captain":
SENATOR TALMADGE: One or two final things; I think my time's about expired, Captain. I believe you made a denial to someone that you burned the papers last Christmas, during the Christmas celebration, during that period in Connecticut. Who did you to?
PATRICK GRAY: To Assistant Attorney General Henry Peterson on April 16th of this year [1973] in my office.
SENATOR TALMADGE: And did you make any other denial that was a fabrication or falsehood?
PATRICK GRAY: [Long pause] Well, I didn't tell the whole story, the correct story, to Senator Weicker. I testified to that yesterday, that, uh—
SENATOR TALMADGE: You failed to volunteer it at that time, or did you tell an outright falsehood?
PATRICK GRAY: To Senator Weicker?
SENATOR TALMADGE: Yes.
PATRICK GRAY: I told him an outright falsehood. I said that I burned those papers on the 3rd day of July in the wastebasket in my office at FBI, and it was not true. I didn't tell him the truth.
SENATOR TALMADGE: All right, that's twice, now, Captain, that you yourself have admitted that you told a falsehood.
Heh. That was pretty ugly, Pat. Wonder why Weicker would lie to the press? Maybe he thougt your story about burning the files in a wastebasket in your office was just too stupid for anybody to swallow. All that smoke. Even McCord's "smoke alarm" bug he lugged into DNC on June 17 wouldn't have helped you there. (Did you ever wonder how McCord thought nobody at DNC would notice a big clunky thing that appeared on their wall overnight? Don't let yourself think about it, Pat. You'll crumble to dust.)
I wonder why your namesake, Mr. Speer didn't consider
that part of your testimony "relevant," where Talmadge nailed you for telling flat out lies TWICE while "confessing"? Somehow, I found it very,
very "relevant," but Mr. Speer didn't seem to. Of course, I'm not trying to peddle a totally malicious fiction like he—
Pat? Where did Pat Gray go? Pat? Things really disappear here in a hurry. Just, <POOF!>
Hmm. There's just this little pile of putrifaction and dust here where all that lying was going on a minute ago. Well, let's see what else I've got left from my trip to the No-See-Um Zone besides the pocket lint I brought in: I've got a microscopic little bit of confetti here: a pinch of Thermofax confetti, a sneeze of Xeroxed confetti, some "spliced cable" shred threads, and my personal favorite: the colorful "Single Cable Theory" confetti. Not much. Hardly a thimbleful. I'll just sprinkle it onto this little pile of putrifaction, dust my hands of all of it, and leave it here for Mr. Speer as a fitting memorial to his "case" for the Phantom Phorged Cables.
ESCAPE FROM THE NO-SEE-UM ZONEPlease do not laugh—any more than you have to.
—Senator Sam Ervin, Jr. during Watergate hearings
Leaving the No-See-Um-Zone is easy: you just walk away and don't look back. If you do look back, you're liable to see Pat Speer kneeling and whimpering over the dust of lies and some dirty confetti where his case for the No-See-Um Cables had been, clutching to his breast the Alfred Baldwin logs that never existed, tuned in to "bugs" over which no signal ever comes, trying to get the space aliens in his Black Helicopter to beam him out and take him to the Continental Room at the Watergate for the good-old-fun-filled-days of the Ameritas Dinner.
Happy trails, Pat.
Ashton Gray