Jokes

[John Simkin]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears and is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy

could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she

responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[Robert Howard]

Did You Know?

Did you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

That "eat" is the only word that, if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, spells its past tense, "ate"?

And if you rearrange the letters in "so-called tea party Republicans," and add just a few more letters,

it spells: "Shut up you free-loading, progress-blocking, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, violent, hypocritical ass_ _ _ _s,

and face the fact that you nearly wrecked the country under Bush."

[John Dolva]

Monty Python Argument Sketch

[Terry Priest]

it might be in anthony summers bio of j edgar hoover. an admiring employee of the fbi had a baby boy, he named him edgar, in honor of the director. the joke went around fbi headquarters, if it had been a girl, he would have named her clyde.

the pope flies in to new york, is picked by a limo, tells the chauffeur, i have always wanted to drive one of these things, get in back. in no time he is doing 90 on the freeway and gets pulled over. the cop walks up to the window, looks at the driver, looks in the back, walks back to his radio. i need some backup, i pulled over somebody big. how big. big. the mayor? bigger. the governor? bigger. the president? bigger. how could anybody be bigger than the president? i dont know but the pope is the chauffeur.

rodney dangerfield : i bought a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

[John Dolva]

Computer Problem Report Form

http://www.kissmyfloppy.com/pages/jokes.ph...=16&cat=all

1. Describe your problem:

__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.

__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

Or the old standard, if all else fails, read the manual

[John Dolva]

Monty Python - The Life of Brian - Crazy Prophets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIRb8TigJ28&feature=related

[Len Colby]

A true story, from Perfect Soldiers: The 9/11 Hijackers: Who They Were, Why They Did It by Terry Mcdermott, supposedly this made Mohamed Atta (Amir) and his friends laugh.

…the [TV] program told the story of a Palestinian suicide bomber, who set off his charge prematurely, injuring only himself. He was rushed to an Israeli hospital unconscious. He awoke on the operating table, looked up at all the doctors and nurses in white clothing and masks gathered him and asked: “Is this heaven?”

A doctor replied with a question of his own. He asked the bomber if he thought there would be Jews in heaven.

The bomber replied, “No.”

“Then,” the doctor said, “I guess you’re not there yet.”

http://www.amazon.com/Perfect-Soldiers-Hijackers-They-Were/dp/0060584696#reader_0060584696

[John Dolva]

Intro text to Police Academy : ''On March 4th this year...newly elected mayor Mary Sue Beal announced that she was changing the hiring practices of this city's police force.

No longer would height, weight, sex, education or physical strength be used to keep new recruits out of the Metropolitan Police Academy.

Hundreds of people who had never thought to become police officers signed up immediately.

Naturally, the police completely freaked.''

[John Simkin]

This is a very funny song. Make sure you watch it to the very end.

[John Dolva]

[John Simkin]

I see that the Greek government has banned the export of Taramosalata and Tzatziki because they fear a double-dip recession.

A man was asked for a 8 character password before he could access a website. He typed in "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs".

Voted as two of the best jokes at the Edinburgh Festival.

[Terry Priest]

the old man and posterity

an older gentleman who had a long and successful life, had done many great deeds, but had never had a child.

he decided he wanted to pass on his superior intellect to a new generation, so he went to a sperm bank to donate.

the woman signed him up, gave him a jar, and showed him to the room.

much time passes. she knocks and asks if he is alright. he comes out, flustered, and says, i never had this trouble before.

i tried everything, i tried my left hand, i tried my right hand, i used warm water. i can't get the lid off this jar

[John Dolva]

[John Dolva]

OK! I think it's funny. (Maybe it'll look different tomorrow.)

My picks for the races at Seymour (Vic) tomorrow,. thursday, start 11.02 EST (oz)

http://www.tab.com.au/Racing/Betting/StandardBets/PlaceStandardBet.aspx?State=1&MeetingCode=M&RacingCode=R&FromDate=2012-06-14T00%3a00%3a00&RaceNumber=10

1. 
   7 RECRIMINATE (16) C. NEWITT, 10 SPINMEISTER (11) J. M. WINKS
   
2. 
   3 GRAND ORATOR (12) J. NOONAN, 7 TYCOON MAGIC (11) D. M. LANE
   
3. 
   3 HARVEY THE RABBIT (2) I. GUNDOGDU
   
4. 
   2 CURSU (14) M. J. WALKER, 4 MAN WHAT A SHOT (3) J. MOTT, 15 IZARED (4) C. A. ROBERTSON
   
5. 
   15 SHOT OF SCARLET (13) S .WYNNE
   
6. 
   ?
   
7. 
   6 SPEEDY BULLET (7) D. GAUCI
   
8. 
   ?
   
9. 
   9 TSAR OF RUSSIA (12) A. MALLYON
   
10. 
    have to chance 7 HEX (8) D. MOOR because both 1 ORIENTAL RUBY (6) J. G. FRY and 10 RUBY DIAMONDS (1) B. J. MELHAM have been scratched.
    

[John Simkin]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.'