Jokes

[Tim Gratz]

A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, she notices a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but it looks so striking she decides she must have it. She takes it to the owner: "How much is the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner.

The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat; you can keep the story."

As she walks down the street carrying the bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little bit faster.

Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot towards the Bay. She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they are all squealing and coming towards her faster and faster. Terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Aha," says the owner, "I'll bet you have come back for the story.". . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

Naah-- I'm not goin' to tell you guys the story!!

. . .

. . .

. . .

Well, maybe for one hundred bucks!

Edited May 11, 2005 by Tim Gratz

[John Simkin]

Now I know why you push the Castro did it theory?

[Tim Gratz]

Not sure if I understand your theory, John.

Trust me if I was a paid disinformation agent I would not be working seven days a week!

But I apologize for that last joke--it actually had a different punch-line that I changed for purposes of propriety.

[Shanet Clark]

The Kings of Peru were the great Incaas

Known throughout the world as great drinkas

They Lolled in the Sun

Had Barrels of Fun

But their Subjects thought they were stinkas

Edited May 13, 2005 by Shanet Clark

[Tim Gratz]

GREAT EXERCISE FOR "COUCH POTATOES"!!!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,

where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms

straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.

Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where

you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your

arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[Tim Gratz]

Must assume there is a heaven to get this joke!

Is There Baseball in Heaven?

Two elderly men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe. You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passed on.

Midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me. Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe. "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams, but what's the bad news?"

. . .

. . .

. . .

"You're pitching tomorrow."

[Shanet Clark]

Did you hear about the homeless baseball player ?

He was high and outside.

[John Geraghty]

Why are 'Pirates' called 'pirates' ?

They just arrrrrrrr

[Derek McMillan]

The name?s Campbell, Duncan Campbell

It really is tough on James Bond. I think we all know that he could sort the masterminds of the Al Qaeda out within two and a half hours. He could obtain the secret plans, possibly delving beneath the burhkas of a couple of improbably sexy and statuesque Al Qaeda agents in the process. He would find the evil Osama Bin Laden in his cave provocatively stroking a milk-white pussy (cat). A spectacular

set-piece confrontation would blow, shoot and karate him and his cohorts to kingdom come.

IRL James would obtain the information only to be told that it was the wrong information:

"007, this report is excellent. A first class piece of work and really first rate information. Just a couple of things: could you just change the words 'Saudi Arabia' to 'Iraq' and 'Pakistan' to 'Afghanistan'. And all this evidence that the war helped Al Qaeda recruitment: just lose it will you. I want a revised report on my desk tomorrow morning."

"Oh and just one other thing 007, when I say I want your reports sexed up I don't expect you to turn them into soft pornography."

[Derek McMillan]

Yes I meant Alistair.

I have never been able to tell Campbells apart - aftershock of the Glencoe massacre probably.

[John Simkin]

Here are some one-liners from Groucho Marx (it makes a change from quoting his brother, Karl Marx):

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

[Anders MacGregor-Thunell]

Another Groucho Marx quote (that fit well into the debate about US democracy)

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people

One of my favorites is this one

I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that

Edited July 28, 2005 by Anders MacGregor-Thunell

[Graham Davies]

I like Goldwynisms. The following are attributed to Sam Goldwyn, founder of MGM:

- “ I never prophesy – especially about the future."

- "Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."

- "I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."

- "I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong."

- "Tell them (the actors) to stand closer apart."

- "If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business."

- "I read part of it all the way through."

- “If I look confused it's because I'm thinking."

- “When I want your opinion I will give it to you."

- “I don't want yes men around me. I want everyone to tell the truth, even if it costs them their jobs."

- “You are going to call him William? What kind of a name is that? Every Tom, Dick, Harry is called William."

- “An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

- “Go see that turkey for yourself, and see for yourself why you shouldn't see it."

- “True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes and I won't say no--but I'm giving you a definite maybe."

- “It's more magnificent than mediocre."

- “I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it."

- "Gentlemen, include me out."

- "A hospital is no place to be sick."

- “If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive."

- “That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg."

- “Never make forecasts, especially about the future."

- “Can she sing? She's practically a Florence Nightingale!

- “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

- “You fail to overlook the crucial point."

- “It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities."

- “Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory."

- “I never liked you and I always will."

- “A bachelor's life is no life for a single man".

- “In two words im-possible."

- “We have all passed a lot of water since then."

- “This makes me sore, it gets my dandruff up."

- “My wife's hands are very beautiful. I'm going to have a bust made of them."

- “If you can't give me your word of honour, will you give me your promise?"

- When he first saw Ava Gardner's screen test she had a thick southern accent at the time. His response was,”She doesn't even speak English. Bring her back next year."

- When Goldwyn's secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were more than ten years old, he answered,”Yes, but keep copies."

[Christopher T. George]

Not a joke as such. I am a poet and this might amuse some of you. . .

The Danger of Abbreviations

"Tiny PCs goes into administration. . ."

Headline, BBC Business News, July 27, 2005

Tiny police constables in giant bobby's helmets swarm

over the London Underground! Must be a strategy

to get 'em to crawl under passenger seats,

bite the legs of terrorists as they get ready

to blow up their backpacks, their midget

incisors specially sharpened for the job.

Christopher T. George

[Guest Toby Cope]

The BBC have made some interesting headlines in the past. The especially good ones are those that are not funny when spoken but when they come up on the 'Breaking News' ticker it looks very funny!