Jokes

[Adam Wilkinson]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an

early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for

retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line

between any two parts of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would

be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top

of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be

measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked

out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like

to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,

explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had

received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with

him, providing

the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop em," which

he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the

Chief's weenie and began to work back.

My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam."

[Len Colby]

The worst joke I can think of now is Michael Collins Piper.

Edited February 21, 2006 by Len Colby

[Tim Gratz]

Len, I had thought of that myself!

But, then, trivializing the utter horrors of the holocaust is certainly not a laughing matter.

Edited February 21, 2006 by Tim Gratz

[Tim Gratz]

A man and his wife were driving along the highway when they get

pulled over by the policeman.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at

60.

Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting. the wife says. "Now don't

be silly dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise

control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over

at his wife, and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife

smiles demurely, and says,

"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal

radar detector unit, the man glowers

at his wife, and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it,

woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns, and says, "And I notice that you're not

wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic $75. fine."

The driver says,

"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off

when you pulled

me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't

have your seat belt on.

You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket,

the driver turns to his

wife, and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???"

The officer looks over at the woman, and asks, "Does your

husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

scroll down

"Only when he's been drinking."

[Jean Walker]

(A colleague at work assures me that his mate who is an airline mechanic has told him similar stories!!)

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a (P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

----------------------------------------------------

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

~~~~~~~~~

[Robert Howard]

While this is not a joke per se, it is definitely funny.

From a Review of the book "Space Aliens from the Pentagon," by William R. Lyne - 1993

"Lyne claims inside info on man-made saucers, Nazi technology, CIA disinformation on the free energy motors that power them. Plausible premise, but announcing how he saw Adolf & Eva Hitler in San Antonio with LBJ in '67 may hurt his credibility. 226 pages, paperback

While this is not a joke per se, it is definitely funny.

From a Review of the book "Space Aliens from the Pentagon," by William R. Lyne - 1993

"Lyne claims inside info on man-made saucers, Nazi technology, CIA disinformation on the free energy motors that power them. Plausible premise, but announcing how he saw Adolf & Eva Hitler in San Antonio with LBJ in '67 may hurt his credibility. 226 pages, paperback

and I hope no-one has already posted this.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"President Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Edited May 5, 2006 by Robert Howard

[John Dolva]

[how to laugh out loud by text? LOL doesn't quite say it, thank you Robert.

_____

from dumb and dumbererer

Lloyd: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?

Lady at bus stop: Austria.

Lloyd: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!

Lady at bus stop: Let's not

.................

[while looking back at Mary]

Lloyd: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...

[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window.]

Mary: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?

Lloyd: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.

......................

Harry: According to the map we've only gone 4 inches.

[Mark Stapleton]

Q: Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?

A: to be sure, to be sure.

[Guest]

Q: Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?

A: to be sure, to be sure.

Q: What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?

A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke

[J. Raymond Carroll]

Q: Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?

A: to be sure, to be sure.

Q: What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?

A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door

to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would

look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for

breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid

an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door

when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up

to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him

because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the

egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my

family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I

kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back

up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for

me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his

heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back,

then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in

the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts

howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my

turn to kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

[Mark Stapleton]

Q: Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?

A: to be sure, to be sure.

Q: What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?

A: Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door

to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would

look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for

breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid

an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door

when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up

to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him

because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the

egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my

family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I

kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back

up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for

me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his

heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back,

then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in

the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts

howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my

turn to kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

I'll pay that one. Eggcellent.

[J. Raymond Carroll]

I'll pay that one. Eggcellent.

That was sent to me, only yesterday, by a lovely Spanish lady. I have a national bias, of course, but even leaving nationalities aside I think it beats the world's funniest joke, written by Spike Milligan. I mean no disrespect to Spike's memory, he was one of the funniest guys that ever lived. I have heard that Spike was a hypochondriac all his life, and on his tombstone, engraved in Gaelic letters at his request, is the legend "Now do you believe I was sick?"

The world's funniest joke was written by Spike Milligan

By Roger Highfield, Science Editor

(Filed: 09/06/2006)

Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke.

Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.

Yesterday, at the Cheltenham Science Festival, Prof Wiseman said he has now discovered that it was almost certainly written by Milligan.

The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

"It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman. "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."

The material would have been written by Spike Milligan and the script reads:

Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.

Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?

Bentine: I think so.

Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?

Bentine: All right. Just a minute.

Sound of two gun shots.

Bentine: He's dead.

Prof Wiseman contacted Milligan's daughter, Sile, and she is as certain as she can be that he would have written the gag. She said she was "delighted that dad wrote the world's funniest joke".

Prof Wiseman said: "I think what is interesting here is that a joke from the 1950s still works, and how it has transformed over time from a cosy sitting room to hunters in New Jersey."

He added: "Spike Milligan was clearly into surreal humour. The sort of people who like his stuff will be people with a high tolerance for ambiguity because the sketches don't really have a sense of closure."

connected.telegraph

Information appearing on telegraph.co.uk is the copyright of Telegraph Group Limited and must not be reproduced in any medium without licence. For the full copyright statement see Copyright

[John Simkin]

A virile, young Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,"No, I Norwegian."

[Len Colby]

Two true stories.

Years ago I ran a small English course in the Brazilian city Recife. My partner was a Brazilian old enough to be my dad who had returned to his homeland after decades in the US. He went by his American nickname Ray. To reduce costs we shared classroom / office space with an eccentric guy, who gave classes in a few subjects including speed reading and the use of HP business calculators, nicknamed Freddy.

Our secretary / receptionist fell ill for a few weeks so Freddy, Ray and I took turns filling in for her. One day a couple came in at around 1:20 and asked me, (in Portuguese of course) "Is Freddy here?" I told them I didn't expect him in till his next class at 4 o'clock but wasn't sure. They told me they had a 1:30 appointment with him so I suggested they wait. At 1:40 there was still no sign of Freddy so I called his house, there was no answer. A few minutes after two they left in disgust.

I saw Freddy a few hours later and told him what had happened, "Noooo", he told me, "they're crazy, the appointment was for tomorrow!" Since the couple was elderly I accepted that explanation but over the course of the two weeks or so there were several similar incidents, Ray and the receptionist (after she go better) told me about other occasions when people came to see Freddy but he forgot to show up. Every time he gave the same explanation THEY got confused about the time or date.

I didn't say what Freddy's most popular class was, "Memory Improvement Techniques".

Note: Some people may find some the language used in the next story offensive

One day Freddy invited me to his house for lunch. Freddy was an animal lover, his house resembled a menagerie. He took advantage of my presence to check his English (except for the words in single quote marks ('x') the dialogue from this paragraph was in Portuguese). He pointed to an old mutt and asked me "that is a 'dog', right? I was feeling a bit mischievous so I told him, "no, since it's a female it's called a 'bitch' ", a feline walked by and his asked me, "Is that a 'cat' " I replied "Yes but they are also know as 'pussies' " and I practiced the pronunciation of the singular form with him. Off in the backyard a rooster cackled, Freddy looked at me proudly and asked "This is a 'chicken, yes' ". No I told him 'chickens' are female males are 'cocks'.

A month later Freddy invited both of us (Ray and me) to lunch. We took the bus up together. Freddy greeted us and was eager to show off his newly acquired English to Ray. "Look my bitch!" he said with a huge smile entirely in English as the dog came to sniff us and we tried to maintain our composure, this was followed by "Look my pussy!", switching to Portuguese he asked Ray "do you want to pet her?". At his point we had huge smirks on our faces as we fought in the laughter but Freddy was oblivious, Ray flashed me a 'I know you had something to do with this' look. Freddy showed Ray around introducing him to his family and the multitude of animals when the rooster popped out from behind some old crates. Speaking in English again he cried out "Look my cock" then beaming reverted to his mother tongue "next time you guys come here I'll chop his head off and we'll eat him for lunch!

Len

Dedicated to Raimundo 'Ray' Souza R.I.P. (1938 - 1997)xyacetyleneoxyacetylene

Edited June 30, 2006 by Len Colby

[Francesca Akhtar]

How to cook a Christmas Turkey...

- Go buy a turkey

- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD

- Put turkey in the oven

- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

- Set the degree at 375 ovens

- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

- Turn oven the on

- Take 4 whisks of drinky

- Turk the bastey

- Whiskey another bottle of get

- Stick a turkey in the thermometer

- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

- Take the oven out of the turkey

- Floor the turkey up off of the pick

- Turk the carvey

- Get yourself another scottle of botch

- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

- Bless the saying, pass and eat out