Jokes

[Francesca Akhtar]

Not sure if anyone who isn't English will understand this but we can always translate. It's one of my favourites

I guess 'Chav' would be the English equivalent of 'trailer trash'.

The Chav Nativity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?), she' not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?

He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'

Mary's totally gob smacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.

Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.'

Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an Joe 'break an enta' into this garridge, only it's filled

wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their 'eads. They're like

`Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'

It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better naff off to Egypt.'

Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think that I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

[John Simkin]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

[Sid Walker]

Bush Snr to Bush Jnr:

"Son, you're making the same mistake in Iraq that I made with your mother.

I didn't pull out in time ..."

[John Simkin]

Email that I have just received:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Derek McMillan]

I used to work with Alan Hardman (it is my one claim to fame!)

Some of his cartoons are here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QKcE4VGSwQ

[John Dolva]

Crocodile Dundees mate Bruce walks into a pub dragging a big wriggling crocodile, plonks the croc at a table and goes to the bar and orders two beers. The bar tender (and the other customers) are understandably uneasy. He blurts out: "You can't bring that in here, I'm not serving the croc..get it out of here."

Bruce, rather non-plussed, responds: "Don't worry, he's safe. Watch this."

He unzips his fly, walks up to the crockodile and puts his #$%% in the crocks mouth and gives it a hard whack on the top of its head. Nothing happens.

Bruce: "See, docile as a sloth. Anyone else wants to try?"

After some silence a toothless old bloke in the corner replies: "Ok, I'll have a go. Just don't hit me on the head so hard."

_________

Mr Salesman is in Japan for a conference.

The food not only doesn't go down too well, it also has the unusual side effect of flatulence which makes the odd noice that sound like "Honda".

A more knowledgeable confederate leans over and whispers "You gotta go to the dentist."

"Odd" thinks Mr Salesman but shrugs, and OK, goes to a dentist.

The dentist, after listening to his complaint, grabs a pair of pliars and leaps onto Mr Salesman and wrenches a tooth out.

Holding it up to his stunned patient he shows him that the tooth was badly corroded and with a big abscess.

Mr Salesman: "What the...!"

Dentist: "Ah. You see, In Japan we know that abscess makes the fart go honda".

(credit Barry Humphries (Dame Edna Everage, Sir Les Patterson))

[Charles Drago]

Guy runs into a dentist's office, says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I think I'm a moth."

The doctor says, "Why did you come in here? I'm a dentist."

Guy says, "Your light was on."

[John Dolva]

A man goes to the Doctor.

Doc's seen and heard most everything, so when the man takes off his hat to reveal a frog sittiing on the top of his head he's not particularly fazed, just asks what the problem is.

The Frog answers: "I don't understand it. It just started with a pimple on my bum...".

[Charles Drago]

A blind inmate walks into a bar.

[Charles Drago]

Last year, the World's Dirtiest Limerick Contest was won by Sister Mary Theophane, of the Saint Aloysius Orphanage in Davenport, Iowa.

She traveled to Ireland to receive the First Prize cheque of 100,000 pounds at the annual Filthy Limerick Convention. There, before thousands of the filthiest, she took the stage, hand outheld.

"Congratulations, Sister," the host said. "I know all of us are wondering why a woman of God would enter this sort of contest."

The winner replied, "Our orphanage is in financial crisis. I did it to save the children."

After a round of hearty applause, the host said, "Okay Sister, whenever you're ready, recite the winning entry and the check is yours."

At which point Sister's face turned crimson. "But I can't say it!" she cried. "I could barely bring myself to write it."

"You know the rules," the host responded. "You have to deliver the Limerick or you don't get the money."

Sister began sobbing, the crowd was mortified, and finally the host hit upon a compromise. "Sister, why don't you just hum along over the filthiest parts and say the least offensive words? Deal?"

Sister nodded, regained her composure, and said, "Alright. For the children, I'll give it a try."

The crowd became silent. The air was electric as Sister began.

"Da dum da dum da dum,

"Da dada dee da dee dum,

"Da dada dee da, da dada dee da,

"And they shagged in a river of xxxxe."

(And I cleaned that up!)

[Charles Drago]

Hear/recite this joke in a heavy French-Canadian accent.

Jean and Claude are in the Yukon. It is snowing heavily and there is nothing to do. They are bored.

Jean, he say to Claude, "Claude, why not we play a game, Twenty Questions?"

Claude say to Jean, "Jean, how we play this game?"

Jean say to Claude, "Is easy. I think a thing in my head, I no tell you. You try to guess the thing in my head by asking me questions I can answer 'yes' or 'no.' Sound like fun?"

Claude, he nods and says to Jean, "Okay you think a thing in your head and no tell me, then I guess."

So Jean, he thinks and thinks, and finally he decides on moose penis.

"Okay," Jean says to Claude. "I have a thing in my head. You try to guess."

Claude, he says, "Okay, Jean. This think you think in your head and no tell me. Is this thing a thing you can eat?"

And Jean, he thinks, Well, I suppose if you are lost in the Yukon and shoot a moose, and all the other parts you eat and only that is left and you still are hungry, you could eat this.

So Jean says to Claude, "I answer your first question, yes; this thing I think in my head and no tell you, you can eat it. Ask your next question"

And Claude says, "Is it moose penis?"

[Charles Drago]

The Norse God of Thunder comes to earth, finds the sexiest human woman on the planet, and for 24 hours he makes constant, powerful, uninterrupted, supernatural love to her.

When it's over, the woman is barely able to speak. "You're amazing, I've never known a man like you."

And the God says, "I must speak the truth. I'm not a man. I'm Thor."

And she says, "You're thor? I won't be able to thtand up for a week!"

[John Simkin]

A recently retired man:

"Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Taunton and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a PCSO writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a twerp. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age."

[Dave Greer]

If Turkey were invaded from the rear, would Greece help?

This joke only works if read out loud

[Charles Drago]

If Turkey were invaded from the rear, would Greece help?

This joke only works if read out loud

One would have to be terribly Hungary.