Jokes

[Cigdem Göle]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today", Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,

"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money", she replied.

-----------------

He said : I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world.

She said: I'll miss you!

----------------

Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A : A rumor.

Edited June 21, 2008 by Cigdem Eksi

[Charles Drago]

A man goes to the doctor and is seated on the exam table.

The doctor says somberly, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

***

What is E.T. short for?

His legs are only a foot long.

***

A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "you gotta help me. I have terrible flatulence. They're silent, but they're deadly. Oh no, there goes one and it's terrible! Total silence, but man, I'm killing small animals. Uh oh, there goes another silent monster. Doctor, what do you think's wrong with me?"

And the doctor says, "Well, for starters, you're loosing your hearing."

Edited June 21, 2008 by Charles Drago

[Robert Howard]

Well, this is not a joke but it will make you laugh, unless you were born without a sense of humor....

Why? Because "It's Time for some Campaignin."

http://sendables.jibjab.com/sendables/1191...in#/teaser/1191

[Cigdem Göle]

Old Age Benefits

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask,Did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size

[Maggie Hansen]

How business is done 101

The White House fence needed to be repaired in one place and the maintenance manager had three businesses come and tender for the job.

Steve came and measured here and measured there took out his note pad made some calculations and after 15 minutes said that he would be able to do the job for $450.

Then Pedro and his brothers came. They also measured here and measured there. Then they took out a note pad and made many calculations. After about 10 minutes Pedro said that he would be able to do the work for $300

Then Behrouz came. He did no measuring and made no calculations. He barely looked at the job to be done and he said to the mantenance manager "$14,300".

The maintenance manager said "What! But you didn't even measure or anything. How on earth did you come up with that figure?"

Bahrouz said "$7,000 for you, $7,000 for me and we get the Mexicans to do it?"

Edited July 26, 2008 by Maggie Hansen

[John Simkin]

The process of getting old.

[Maggie Hansen]

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed

was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,

propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands

and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and

you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I

knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,

tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion..Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods

and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of

having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that

marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves

and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and

ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for

AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15

and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be

back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son

John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just

wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report

card that's in my centre desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

[John Simkin]

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed

was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,

propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands

and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and

you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I

knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,

tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion..Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods

and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of

having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that

marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves

and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and

ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for

AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15

and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be

back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son

John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just

wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report

card that's in my centre desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

It made me laugh. In fact, this strategy is used all the time by politicians who take great care of when they release bad news. We had the case of a government advisor who sent a memo to a minister that 9/11 provided a great opportunity to release details of a "bad news story". It is now known as "burying bad news".

[Maggie Hansen]

It made me laugh.

Good

In fact, this strategy is used all the time by politicians who take great care of when they release bad news. We had the case of a government advisor who sent a memo to a minister that 9/11 provided a great opportunity to release details of a "bad news story". It is now known as "burying bad news".

Now, John, they wouldn't do that would they?

P.S. I can't open the jpeg on your previous post about aging.

Edited July 30, 2008 by Maggie Hansen

[John Simkin]

P.S. I can't open the jpeg on your previous post about aging.

You should be able to see it if you are logged-on as a member.

[Maggie Hansen]

P.S. I can't open the jpeg on your previous post about aging.

You should be able to see it if you are logged-on as a member.

Even when I am signed in as a member. I've been trying for days. It takes me to a page where it says that I have to be signed in but I already am.

[Robert Howard]

P.S. I can't open the jpeg on your previous post about aging.

You should be able to see it if you are logged-on as a member.

Even when I am signed in as a member. I've been trying for days. It takes me to a page where it says that I have to be signed in but I already am.

Grizzled, Third Party Candidate May Siphon Votes from John McCain!

See

http://www.theonion.com/content//node/8569...mbedded_video_2

[John Simkin]

Sigmund Freud's favourite joke:

A king was making a tour through the provinces and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. He beckoned to him and asked: "Was your mother at one time in service in the Palace?" He replied: "No, your Highness, but my father was."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

Lily Tomlin: "when I was young I always wanted to be somebody. Now I wish I had been more specific."

[John Dolva]

kurd retention might have something to do with it

[Cigdem Göle]

A man is talking to God.

The man: God, how long is a million years?

God: To me, it's about a minute.

The man: God, how much is a million dollars?

God: To me it's a penny.

The man: God, may I have a penny?

God: Wait a minute.

-----

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home. "