News from an insane Planet.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Its becoming apparant that the 500 billion of taxpayers money given to impoverished Bankers will not be enough. Hedge fund manager, and psychopath Mr Cash Gobbler said, " We are going to need access to far more funds than that if our socially useful work is to continue" He added, "I've had to cut down to five Gala lunches a week, taxpayers should remember Lear jets don't pay for themselves."

Edited October 31, 2008 by Stephen Turner

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Its becoming apparant that the 500 billion of taxpayers money given to impoverished Bankers will not be enough. Hedge fund manager, and psychopath Mr Cash Gobbler said, " We are going to need access to far more funds than that if our socially useful work is to continue" He added, "I've had to cut down to five Gala lunches a week, taxpayers should remember Lear jets don't pay for themselves."

Meanwhile, over in America, one of George Bush's last acts as President will be to sign off on the "Piggy bank act" The act essentially requires young Americans to hand over their savings to one of several investment banks. To ensure compliance all Citizens between the ages of four, and fifteen will be rounded up, held upside down and shook, they will then be required to supply all information about savings accounts, failure to comply will result in a Parent being shot.

A Man who looked suspiciously like Dick Chaney said. " All young Americans should want to be active in helping to save this great Country, and its wonder system, any who are not are either dirty Commies, or are giving aid to terrorists, your savings are either with us, or against us, God save the Constitution."

Edited October 31, 2008 by Stephen Turner

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Following revelations that Barak Obama didn't write any of his two books, A Republican spokesman today made a further sensational claim. Senator, William Twoface claims to be in reciept of information than Presidential hopeful Obama wasn't actually using his own voice, Sen Twoface said at a packed press meeting earlier today. " I have listened to tape recordings of Obama made in the late 1980s, in these recordings the Senators voice is thin and weedy, and has a distinctly "French, Iranian" tone. we belive that he is either miming to a recording, probably Dr King, or his Wife is a ventriloquist."

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Its becoming apparant that the 500 billion of taxpayers money given to impoverished Bankers will not be enough. Hedge fund manager, and psychopath Mr Cash Gobbler said, " We are going to need access to far more funds than that if our socially useful work is to continue" He added, "I've had to cut down to five Gala lunches a week, taxpayers should remember Lear jets don't pay for themselves."

A top Banker claimed that todays "Children in need" charity grab, should be suspended, or at least renamed "Bankers in need" CEO of rich peoples bank Couts, Sir H.U.N Huffalump said. " Never mind waisting all that lovely cash on a bunch of ungrateful brats, we still need all the money we can get our hands on, preferably someone else's" Our reporter asked him what returns People could expect for this financial backing, to which Mr Huffalump relied. "Well, a lifestyle of unbridalled luxury obviously, dining at top resturants, unrestricted first class air travel, a Mansion, plus three other homes, one in the south of France, five top of the range cars, Saville row suits, a Wife and two mistresses, Oh wait a minute, thats what I get out of it"

[Guest Stephen Turner]

NHS "Terrorist organisation" claims Senator.

Sen Hubub Swinebuger the Forth ( Rep) Today claimed that Britains National Health service was in fact a massive Terrorist organisation. Speaking whilst inspecting the vaults of a local Bank,Swineburger claimed that the so called "Health sevice" was in fact responsible for all terrorist attacks since 1948. Our reporter questioned him about these claims.

Rep, " Most exalted, if I may call you that, how terrible, and deadly is the NHS?"

Sen, " Boy, its beyond belief how these Limeys have got away with it, pass me that sack son will yer, and that shovel, NHS actually stands for National HITLER sevice, and thats what these guys do, they Hitlerize good God fearing citizens, not just in their own Commie Country, but across the World, these Guys were responsible for 911, did yer know that?

Rep, " No I didn't, please enlighten my readers Oh Savant"

Sen, " A bunch of Limey Psychiatrists shot Bin Laden up with a whole wazhoo of mind altering drugs, Hold that sack open for me Son, then they forced him to grow a stupid beard, got a few shots of him foaming at the mouth about America being the great Satan, and before you know it he's the one got the blame, I'm telling yer it was 19 NHS porters who crashed the planes, Now, don't be putting anything less that a ten spot in there"

Rep, "What should be done about this evil plot Grand wizzard"

sen "I told you not to call me that Boy, now tie them sacks good and tight, I'm calling for the immediate internment, without trial of all NHS workers, I'm involved, at great personal expence, in building a vast holding area right here in beautiful moosejaw Alabama, when we get these evil terrorists over here the torture, err sorry, intrerrogations can begin. Now Son, be a good boy and load those ol sacks into the Senators little ol car.

[Cigdem Göle]

NHS "Terrorist organisation" claims Senator.

Sen Hubub Swinebuger the Forth ( Rep) Today claimed that Britains National Health service was in fact a massive Terrorist organisation. Speaking whilst inspecting the vaults of a local Bank,Swineburger claimed that the so called "Health sevice" was in fact responsible for all terrorist attacks since 1948. Our reporter questioned him about these claims.

Rep, " Most exalted, if I may call you that, how terrible, and deadly is the NHS?"

Sen, " Boy, its beyond belief how these Limeys have got away with it, pass me that sack son will yer, and that shovel, NHS actually stands for National HITLER sevice, and thats what these guys do, they Hitlerize good God fearing citizens, not just in their own Commie Country, but across the World, these Guys were responsible for 911, did yer know that?

Rep, " No I didn't, please enlighten my readers Oh Savant"

Sen, " A bunch of Limey Psychiatrists shot Bin Laden up with a whole wazhoo of mind altering drugs, Hold that sack open for me Son, then they forced him to grow a stupid beard, got a few shots of him foaming at the mouth about America being the great Satan, and before you know it he's the one got the blame, I'm telling yer it was 19 NHS porters who crashed the planes, Now, don't be putting anything less that a ten spot in there"

Rep, "What should be done about this evil plot Grand wizzard"

sen "I told you not to call me that Boy, now tie them sacks good and tight, I'm calling for the immediate internment, without trial of all NHS workers, I'm involved, at great personal expence, in building a vast holding area right here in beautiful moosejaw Alabama, when we get these evil terrorists over here the torture, err sorry, intrerrogations can begin. Now Son, be a good boy and load those ol sacks into the Senators little ol car.

Thanks for reviving this thread.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

NHS "Terrorist organisation" claims Senator.

Sen Hubub Swinebuger the Forth ( Rep) Today claimed that Britains National Health service was in fact a massive Terrorist organisation. Speaking whilst inspecting the vaults of a local Bank,Swineburger claimed that the so called "Health sevice" was in fact responsible for all terrorist attacks since 1948. Our reporter questioned him about these claims.

Rep, " Most exalted, if I may call you that, how terrible, and deadly is the NHS?"

Sen, " Boy, its beyond belief how these Limeys have got away with it, pass me that sack son will yer, and that shovel, NHS actually stands for National HITLER sevice, and thats what these guys do, they Hitlerize good God fearing citizens, not just in their own Commie Country, but across the World, these Guys were responsible for 911, did yer know that?

Rep, " No I didn't, please enlighten my readers Oh Savant"

Sen, " A bunch of Limey Psychiatrists shot Bin Laden up with a whole wazhoo of mind altering drugs, Hold that sack open for me Son, then they forced him to grow a stupid beard, got a few shots of him foaming at the mouth about America being the great Satan, and before you know it he's the one got the blame, I'm telling yer it was 19 NHS porters who crashed the planes, Now, don't be putting anything less that a ten spot in there"

Rep, "What should be done about this evil plot Grand wizzard"

sen "I told you not to call me that Boy, now tie them sacks good and tight, I'm calling for the immediate internment, without trial of all NHS workers, I'm involved, at great personal expence, in building a vast holding area right here in beautiful moosejaw Alabama, when we get these evil terrorists over here the torture, err sorry, intrerrogations can begin. Now Son, be a good boy and load those ol sacks into the Senators little ol car.

Thanks for reviving this thread.

You're welcome Ciqdem, i think you and Daniel Dunn are the only two who get the humour.

Cameron tells the Nation, "No retirement for you, you lazy Swine!"

Would be Prime Minister, And ex Bullingdon Fop, David Cameron, revealed his tough side last night when he told the Nation (excluding Bankers and the idle rich) that retirement was a thing of the past. in a speech that lasted an hour, Cameron lambasted the idea of workers retiring at Sixty five, he said " Ordinary plebs now routinely live to eighty, or even eighty five( horrified gasp from the floor) If they are going to be so inconsiderate as to continue to take up precious resources, they should at least have the good manners to keep paying for it.( Huge cheers) I mean, we promised all this money to the City, and its just damn bad form of these oxygen thieves to keep taking it." Cameron later claimed he was joking, saying " I love all old People, especially those from more modest backgrounds, and would never consider sending hit teams to slit their throats whilst they slept"

Edited October 8, 2009 by Stephen Turner

[Guest Stephen Turner]

March 1st, Attempts to create a "Frankenstein" like monster to succeed Tony Blair as New Labour leader when he steps down this summer continued yesterday, the monster, affectionately known as the enforcer, is said by insiders to be over nine feet tall, and made up of the head, and arse of Gordon Brown, the body of John Prescott, the arms and legs of Curly, from the Harlem globetrotters, the Breasts of Anne Widdicombe, the vocal chords of Margret Thatcher, and the hat of General Pinochet. A source close to Mr Blair claims he told him, " Wait till that jumped up little twat Cameron sees what he's facing across the dispatch boxes, he'll cack his strides."

Late last night the monster was observed wandering through the back alleys of North London, decapitating anyone not connected to the London stock exchange, eating polenta and fennel ciabata's, and swearing total fielty to George Bush.

UPDATE October 28th 2009.

Fears that the ENFORCER had gone missing were calmed last night when he was found weeping outside the Obamas bedroom in the Whitehouse, claims that he was shouting "Why dont you love me anymore were later denied by Peter "Golem"Mandleson.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Lyndon Larouche claims "Hitler was an Englishman"

In his most extraordinary claim to date, aging dement, LaRouche(104) claimed that Adolf Hitler was in fact an English imposter called Harry Hepesdyke. Full transcript below.

Hitler was a godam limey.

LaRouche claims that when the peace loving, arty, proto Hippy went to visit his Brother and Sister in law, in Liverpool in 1912 he was murdered by MI5 agents, posing as black pudding salesmen, his place was then taken by looky likey, but dangerously psychotic, Hepesdyke. Who, after fighting in he first World war, returned to Germany to help form the National Socialsts. LaRouche claims that film exists showing Hitler/Hepesdyke eating "Scouse" and can be heard saying, "Ehh, pile the plate up La" When asked where this film was LaRouche said he had eaten it.

Edited October 8, 2009 by Stephen Turner

[Guest]

Lyndon Larouche claims "Hitler was an Englishman"

In his most extraordinary claim to date, aging dement, LaRouche(104) claimed that Adolf Hitler was in fact an English imposter called Harry Hepesdyke. Full transcript below.

Hitler was a godam limey.

LaRouche claims that when the peace loving, arty, proto Hippy went to visit his Brother and Sister in law, in Liverpool in 1912 he was murdered by MI5 agents, posing as black pudding salesmen, his place was then taken by looky likey, but dangerously psychotic, Hepesdyke. Who, after fighting in he first World war, returned to Germany to help form the National Socialsts. LaRouche claims that film exists showing Hitler/Hepesdyke eating "Scouse" and can be heard saying, "Ehh, pile the plate up La" When asked where this film was LaRouche said he had eaten it.

Maybe he's seen this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVxM5IBLeU4

[Cigdem Göle]

Lyndon Larouche claims "Hitler was an Englishman"

"I knew all along" said Zambodian Yap Flapper at today's press conference.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Lyndon Larouche claims "Hitler was an Englishman"

"I knew all along" said Zambodian Yap Flapper at today's press conference.

I knew him when he was an egg.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Amy Winehouse to become UN goodwill envoy.

Trouble haired, detox avoider Ms Winehouse is set to become a UN Envoy, following on from the spectacular succesess of Ginger Spices time spent in this role. Ms Winehouse said she expects to have brought World peace by next Tuesday, an end to hunger by March, and to have landed a Manned spacecraft on Mars by the Summer. Susan Boyle was unavailable for comment.

[John Dolva]

Are you sure about this, Stephen? It sounds a bit far fetched surely? What did Ms Spice ever do that was spectacular (as envoy)?

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Are you sure about this, Stephen? It sounds a bit far fetched surely? What did Ms Spice ever do that was spectacular (as envoy)?

John, surely you jest? you're not doubting the power of celebrity are you?

Gerry Halliwells record as goodwill envoy. Tore down the Berlin wall single handedly, thus bringing peace to Eastern Europe. Released Nalson Mandela from captivity, Interviened to prevent further bloodshed in the Balkans, brokered a peace deal in Ireland, and was responsible for the space shuttle programme.

A fine record, I think we can all agree.