News from an insane Planet.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

David Cameron, Tory party leader, and hugh Grant impersonator today came clean about his youthful drug experimentation, he apparantly smoked dope whilst at Fop factory Eaton, when asked whether this was not just another desperate ploy to appeal to young voters Mr Cameron said, " Whoa blood respec, I was just chillin wit my homies, housin, yer know, hangin in my crib, now step down dawg, what ever."

John Prescott, ex deputy leader of the Labour(your advertisment here)party also came clean about some youthful indiscretions. Speaking from his new baronial castle, atop a mountain in Wales Mr Prescott claimed he had often mainlined steak and kidney pie slurry, he said, through a mouthfull of jam rolly-polly, "I'm fookin ashamed of meself now, but I were only a bit of a lad, it were the nineties, everyone were doin slurry" Mr Prescott then broke wind loudly and told me to "Fook off me land"

The information that Iran has been arming insurgent Iraq'i forces comes from an unimpeachable source according to a White house spokesman, God, apparantly the diety has given up communicating with Bush from heaven, and has moved into a suite next to the President, The spokesman said, "Yeah, the Almighty and President Bush do power breakfasts every morning, Of course only Mr bush can see him. " according to an insider God has promised to inflict a pre-emtive strike on Hilary Clinton, "thats official" he said,"turns out Gods a Republican" and what does God look like? According to the President, He's got a strong resemblence to Dick Chaney.

In a bizzarre press conference ao dispel rumours about his failing health,Fidel Castro spoke today about his hopes for the future. Being held by his brother, Raul, Fidel's face was ashen, and almost immobile. His speach started with a robust denouciation of American hegemony whilst Raul austentaciously drunk a glass of water, then for no apparant reason, the Cuban leader started to scream "Gottle of geer, Gottle of geer" in a strange high pitched voice, he than began to raise his eyebrows up and down first together, then independantly, whilst winking, and making suggestive comments to Female members of the press corp, when a reporter suggested that he was making no sence Castro replied," You try making sence with an arm up your bomb bay Ay Carumba." At this point Raul appeared to lose patience with his Brother, and locked him in a wooden trunk, informing him that he could only come out if he promised to behave himself.

Edited February 13, 2007 by Stephen Turner

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Feb, 29th. Chelsea manager Jose Marino claims that F A officials are targeting HAARP weapons on Chelsea's training ground. In a press conference, where Mr Marino turned up dressed as Jesus, and serving wenches spread rose petals at his feet, he said," Whats happening is obvious, the FA hate me because I am a special one, so they are trying to stop my team of dreamers from winning the Premership for a third time, by using modern wave techniques to disrupt our training sessions, What else could explain us being nine points behind United." Mr Marino was then nailed to a cross amid much weeping.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Democratic presidential hopeful Barak Obama, has been shot three times whilst on a hunting expidition with vice President Dick Chaney. Apparantly one bullet did all the damage, severly wounding Mr Obama in his Chest, neck and cranium. Mr Chaney was unavailable for comment. A democratic spokesman said, "all our prayers go out to Barak, we didnt even know he liked hunting."

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Democratic presidential hopeful Barak Obama, has been shot three times whilst on a hunting expidition with vice President Dick Chaney. Apparantly one bullet did all the damage, severly wounding Mr Obama in his Chest, neck and cranium. Mr Chaney was unavailable for comment. A democratic spokesman said, "all our prayers go out to Barak, we didnt even know he liked hunting."

In breaking news, VP Chaney has issued a statement to explain the accident. In it he states. "I cannot believe what has happened to my good friend Barret, We were hunting quail on a private estate when another hunter mistook Mr Osama for a giant woodcock and opened fire, the bullet entered his chest, bounced of a tree, entered his neck, swerved in midair, and hit him in the forehead. We tried to apply first aid, but unfortunatly my hunting knife became lodged in his upper back, what can I say a terrible, terrible accident." Mr Chaney then began to sing the American National anthem, before slowly falling asleep.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Feb,29th. A new film, with sound, showing JFKs fateful Dallas motorcade surfaced today. Shot by a Mr A Gency, the film clearly shows the motorcade making the slow turn from Houston, onto ElmSt. Just after the turn Jackie Kennedy turns to look up at the TSBD and screams, "Look out Jack, its that crazy Commie Oswald" Then three shots ring out, at the sound of the second shot, Gov Connally shouts, "I am hit, and by the same bullet that has just wounded the President, God damn you Oswald, you crazy Commie" At the end of the firing sequence the camera pans up to the sixth floor, where Oswald is in plain sight, making a thumbs up gesture, and grinning nastily. Its is claimed that the last thing that can be heard before the camera is turned off is Jack Rubys voice saying, "Damn crazy Commie Oswald, I will get you for that, and save poor Jackie from having to come back to Dallas, Sunday afternoon should be good." A spokesman said "Hopefully this will put an end to all the conspiracies, once and for all."

[Guest Stephen Turner]

March 1st, Attempts to create a "Frankenstein" like monster to succeed Tony Blair as New Labour leader when he steps down this summer continued yesterday, the monster, affectionately known as the enforcer, is said by insiders to be over nine feet tall, and made up of the head, and arse of Gordon Brown, the body of John Prescott, the arms and legs of Curly, from the Harlem globetrotters, the Breasts of Anne Widdicombe, the vocal chords of Margret Thatcher, and the hat of General Pinochet. A source close to Mr Blair claims he told him, " Wait till that jumped up little twat Cameron sees what he's facing across the dispatch boxes, he'll cack his strides."

Late last night the monster was observed wandering through the back alleys of North London, decapitating anyone not connected to the London stock exchange, eating polenta and fennel ciabata's, and swearing total fielty to George Bush.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

News just in, ultra right wing commentator, Anne Coulter today entered a New York hospital for an ass transplant, its believed that the ass belonged to the late president Ronald Reagan. Earliest reports however suggest that the ass has rejected her.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

March 1st, Attempts to create a "Frankenstein" like monster to succeed Tony Blair as New Labour leader when he steps down this summer continued yesterday, the monster, affectionately known as the enforcer, is said by insiders to be over nine feet tall, and made up of the head, and arse of Gordon Brown, the body of John Prescott, the arms and legs of Curly, from the Harlem globetrotters, the Breasts of Anne Widdicombe, the vocal chords of Margret Thatcher, and the hat of General Pinochet. A source close to Mr Blair claims he told him, " Wait till that jumped up little twat Cameron sees what he's facing across the dispatch boxes, he'll cack his strides."

Late last night the monster was observed wandering through the back alleys of North London, decapitating anyone not connected to the London stock exchange, eating polenta and fennel ciabata's, and swearing total fielty to George Bush.

The contest for the Labour leader, and prime minister, which was to have been between "THE ENFORCER copywrite protected" and left winger micheal Meacher will not now go ahead, following the dreadfull news that Mr Meacher has taken his own life by tearing his own head off, and eating it. a spokesman for " THE ENFORCERcopywrite protected"said, HA_HA, PUNY MORTALS NO ONE WILL STAND IN OUR WAY"

[Guest Stephen Turner]

At a press conference earlier today Chelsea manager, Jose Marino told reporters that he was no longer to be known by that name, in future he is to be refered to as "Gods right hand" seated on a cloud facsimile, dressed as a dandy highwayman whilst virgins spread rosepetals at his feet, GRH said, "The time has come for you to realise that I am no ordinary man, but rather ordained by the diety to bring succour to multi-billionaires. " when asked whether the season wasnt one he would rather forget GRH smiled enigmatically and said "With but a click of my beautifully manicured fingers all is changed, we are the winners, but I chose not to do it" With that the cloud rose slowly heavenwards, whilst GRH dispenced mana from above.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Breaking news from the colonies.........

Aides to Senator Barack Obama are holding a series of conferences to debate when would be the best time to advise the Senator that he is a black man running for President of the United States.

In a related story, there's still no word on whether or not Senator Hillary Clinton can safely be advised that she is Hillary Clinton running for President of the United States.

Hope you had a Happy Birthday, Steve.

LOL, Thanks Daniel I had a great Birthday, my Wife Daughter and I went to the Yorkshire coast, we stayed at a 15th Century Hotel with a reputation for being haunted. The manager was so old he looked to have been there from the start.

BTW, For those who do not know, Jose Morhino is the manager of Chelsea football club, which due to it being owned by a Russian Billionaire is the richest club in Europe, despite this Mr Morhino likes to portray himself, and his club as being hard done by. He also has the largest ego in the Premeirship, and believe me he is up against some pretty stiff opposition

[Guest Stephen Turner]

In celebrity news........Well loved British all round entertainer madonna, has today adopted an entire African village complete with tribal Chief whom she has renamed Toby Simeon. When asked what she intended to do with the villagers Madonna said, "Cor blimey me old darlin me old plates int arf aching from climin the apples and pairs dont yer know."

Paris Hilton, heiress, and runner up in the most worthless person on the planet contest, was today arrested and charged with being in posetion of a small amount of talent, a Police spokesman said. "The amount found was so small that she was obviously not supplying, she will be charged with personel use" Ms Hilton will ask the Judge to take 180 charges of massive self love into account.

Rod Stewart, gravel voiced, aging Scotish lothario claimed to have made love to over two thousand Women, and that at least 25% were concious during the act.

Remember Billy's beer? we have been reliably informed that should Hillary become President of these here United States, the next Presidential relatives item to hit the Market will be Bills stain remover, proven to get rid of all but the most stubborn stains, also watch out for Clintons Cigars, as Bill says,"A Womans a Woman, but a cigar is a good smoke"

[Guest Stephen Turner]

John Prescott, ex deputy leader of the Labour(your advertisment here)party also came clean about some youthful indiscretions. Speaking from his new baronial castle, atop a mountain in Wales Mr Prescott claimed he had often mainlined steak and kidney pie slurry, he said, through a mouthfull of jam rolly-polly, "I'm fookin ashamed of meself now, but I were only a bit of a lad, it were the nineties, everyone were doin slurry" Mr Prescott then broke wind loudly and told me to "Fook off me land"

A few weeks ago it was revealed that Mr Prescott had for years suffered from bulimia. And thats not a joke.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Calderon claims "tanning opportunities" behind Ronaldo dream.

The real Madrid president today revealed why Ronaldo wants to quit European Champions Man Utd for Real. "It always pi***** down in filthy Manchester,and poor, underpayed boy likes to wear tight shorts, and get good tan, how he can do that in Salford" Asked if he expected to sign the Portugeese star before the transfer deadline,Mr Calderon replied, "we wait and see, I never make comments about other teams players"

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Breaking news. Zimbabwe sitting on top of massive oil supplies.

President Bush today said. " We can no longer tolerate that vicious tyrant, whats his name, in Zibebwa, we are about to liberate the poor downtroden Zincbeanians."

[Guest Stephen Turner]

NOMINATED FOR A PRESTIGIOUS FORUM AWARD.

Celebrity endoursements

" ITS RILLY GREAT, HELPED WITH MY DETOX" BRITNEY SPEARS.

" AFTER READING THE CITY PRICE INDEX I TURN TO INSANE PLANET" GORDON BROWN

" I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH NO LSD" BERTRAM RUSSELL.

" FULL OF MEATY GOODNESS" MEAT MARKETING BOARD

" TURNERS A GODDAM COMMIE, AND HE'LL GET WHATS COMMIN TO HIM" GRAND WIZZARD, KU KLUX KLAN.

" THE MOST INSIGHTFUL FOOTBALL REPORTAGE TODAY" WAYNE ROONEY.

" HOW MUCH LONGER HAVE I GOT DICK" PRESIDENT GEORGE W BUSH.

" FAR TO LITTLE SEXUAL INNUENDO" BBC EXECUTIVE.

Edited October 29, 2008 by Stephen Turner