Loch Ness Monster.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Loch Ness recieves over two million, yes two million tourists every year. QUESTION, How many do you think would come to this remote, cold windswept place, where the main passtime is tossing the Hagis, and saying "Hoots Mon" in a loud voice, if the fiction of Nessie did not exist?

Its as plain as the scabs on a Scotsmans Knee's that the whole thing is a conspiracy by the Scotish tourist board, to provide a financial fillip to this big bit of water in the back of beyond. What evidence is there to prove the Monsters existance? Well, obviously all the locals have seen her, they appear on TV every now and again with their tedious stories, "Wull, I were cummin roond by yon bend when I saw hur" Yeah big hump in the water we know. They are lying, every single one of them, but why? because they all know that without "Nessie" they would actually have to work for a living, instead of flogging gullable tourists, mostly Americans, crappy momentos of their visit, or opening themed pubs where a pint of "Monster beer" costs £5. And signed photo's of some log floating in the Loch are bought to "Amaze the folks back in Moosejaw Alabama" Its like the Marshall plan never ended in Scotland.

So, anyone want to defened Nessie? I say its the Scots legendary ability to make money thats behind all this, not some prehistoric throwback still putting in an appearance in the Scotish highlands.

"THERE IS LITTLE MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN A SCOTSMAN ON THE MAKE." DR JOHNSON.

[Guest Stephen Turner]

Thanks, Steve, for bringing this up. I've sure been waiting for somebody to.

I am a firm believer in Nessie,

[Well, Steve, what do you think about the chickens? What do you think a good food would be for a plesiosaur? And no jokes, please, about feeding her the sheep.

Kathy Beckett

Egads, and forsooth Kathy, I do believe you work for the Scotish tourist board.

The people chucking chickens into the Loch are probably drunken locals, who have mistaken the Fowls for a Hagis, I did mention the Hagis throwing didn't I? Either that or they are hoping that all the splashing persuades the tourists that Nessie is on the move.

Either way its a gigantic con, and you have fallen for it. never trust a Brit Kathy, as someone said, "The reason the Sun never sets on the British Empire is God doesn't trust the British in the dark."

[Dave Greer]

I've been dubious about Nessie for a long time. Quite clearly most of the sightings are by people dosed up on the local dram, where logs mysteriously turn into humps, and otters grow to 50 times their normal size. Take the photo in the following link. The "bunnies in the cloud" optical illusion may convince you you're seeing a fully grown plesiosaur, but quite clearly it's just a piece of floating debris (possibly a rotten log), shadows form overhanging trees, and reflections in the water. The brain and an over-active imagination do the rest. It's a well-known syndrome called Pareidolia that can affect us all.

Click here for picture of floating debris mistaken as Nessie

Edited September 19, 2007 by Dave Greer

[Guest Stephen Turner]

"Egads, and forsooth Kathy, I do believe you work for the Scotish tourist board."

Wrong AGAIN, Steve, but I have been promised, should I decide to move over there, a job as records-keeper with the British Turkey Chicken Grooming Association.

Kathy

I had an Uncle who was a Chicken groomer, ended up doing five years for it.

[Charles Drago]

I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken.

We would have had him institutionalized, but we needed the eggs.

[Guest David Guyatt]

Leave the Scots alone.

Just because they wear kilts and feel winter draughts more than most, and speak oddly (with such draughts wouldn't you?), doesn't mean that anyone can take a random potshot at them. They have a special heritage. For example they invented porridge. And while the prison population has more than its fair share of Jocks, it not just about doing time is it. There's those things you stuff under your arm, then squeeze hard and then a noise comes out. I think it's called a musket. Bloody awful things if you ask me.

And did you know that the head Scot is called a "primrose".

That's probably why they wear kilts in the first place, init...

Anyway, I would rather you attack the Welsh. Now there's a nation that's tried to contrive something special about themselves miserably failed. A leek for gawd's sake. At least you can eat it, I suppose, which beats the thistle. Come to think of it, the thistle is edible, too. But you get my point. And, okay, the Welsh wear kilts too. And it's cold there in winter also -- and they also carry those shooty-groany things under their arms. Then there's Lake Bala which has its very own Nessie. Called Rhodrie.

Er.

If you want my really honest opinion, all our energies should be directed at the Irish. What's a Shamrcok anyway? I have it on good authority from my mate Paddy down the pub, that its not even made of stone. So it's just a sham, right. And I've got nothing against Paddies also wearing plaed frocks -- and even though they want to talk about the faery folk, that's their affair. Anyway, I draw a line at those pressy-windy-droney things they put under their arms and squeeze. But enough about their womenfolk.

Bring on the quintesential English, I say:

An elegant red rose for their symbol. Jodhpurs and hacking jackets. Bowlers for headwear. Sheer elegance. A very refreshing way of speaking that even captivated God. Playing cricket with their red balls. A dragon for an emblem (but don't squeeze or she's gets miffed). Toast with butter. Toast with wine. Whine with wine. Pimms. Drinking beer before the Egyptians (providing the sun is over the yardarm -- and it always is somewhere in the world). Cucumber sandwiches. And then Wind in the Willows (so be sure to stand at a distance).

David

[Dave Greer]

I had an Uncle who was a Chicken groomer, ended up doing five years for it.

I'd hereby like to nominate Stephen for the Education Forum's 2007 "Most funny one-liner in a slightly-risque-kind-of-a-way" award.

Any seconders?

[Dave Greer]

I had an Uncle who was a Chicken groomer, ended up doing five years for it.

I'd hereby like to nominate Stephen for the Education Forum's 2007 "Most funny one-liner in a slightly-risque-kind-of-a-way" award.

Any seconders?

In addition, I'd like to nominate him for "Beanie wearer of the Year, 2007" as well.

[Pamela Brown]

Loch Ness recieves over two million, yes two million tourists every year. QUESTION, How many do you think would come to this remote, cold windswept place, where the main passtime is tossing the Hagis, and saying "Hoots Mon" in a loud voice, if the fiction of Nessie did not exist?

Actually, if I recall from my time at the U of Edinburgh, one tosses a caber (sp?), which looks like a telephone pole, and hurling it end over end is no mean feat, and eats a Haggis, which is the delightful sausage and rice mixture stuffed (and served) inside a pig's stomach, but though it looks rumply and slimy and wierd is actually quite tasty.

I too have spent my week-end of mystery at Loch Ness, searching for Nessie in the early morning mists. I was not fortunate to have seen her, but certainly think she lives there.

[Guest David Guyatt]

Kathy,

I looked at your pictures and saw how they'd been fixed to make them look pastoral and natural. But beneath the photoshop masque I discoverd the real thing:

Ah, that's better.

David

[Guest Stephen Turner]

I had an Uncle who was a Chicken groomer, ended up doing five years for it.

I'd hereby like to nominate Stephen for the Education Forum's 2007 "Most funny one-liner in a slightly-risque-kind-of-a-way" award.

Any seconders?

Yes Dave, I'll second it with relish, I'm thinking there should be some sort of cash award, and nothing triffling either or it will diminish the importance of the occasion.

BTW, my brother has just informed me that he intends to Holiday at Loch Ness next year!!!!!!!!

Edited September 20, 2007 by Stephen Turner
Late breaking news.

[Guest David Guyatt]

I had an Uncle who was a Chicken groomer, ended up doing five years for it.

I'd hereby like to nominate Stephen for the Education Forum's 2007 "Most funny one-liner in a slightly-risque-kind-of-a-way" award.

Any seconders?

Yes Dave, I'll second it with relish, I'm thinking there should be some sort of cash award, and nothing triffling either or it will deminish the importance of the occasion.

BTW, my brother has just informed me that he intends to Holiday at Loch Ness next year!!!!!!!!

Some people only ever see the glitter of gold rather than working for the common good, eh.

Therefore, I triple the motion.

(between you and I Steve, I think I also gulled Dave into agreeing to making a donation to my personal charity (snigger) -- and then when Daniel Hopsicker gives me my 25% commission on the legal fund donation Dave also made to him, we'll all be in the money. Way to go...)

David

[Guest Stephen Turner]

I had an Uncle who was a Chicken groomer, ended up doing five years for it.

I'd hereby like to nominate Stephen for the Education Forum's 2007 "Most funny one-liner in a slightly-risque-kind-of-a-way" award.

Any seconders?

Yes Dave, I'll second it with relish, I'm thinking there should be some sort of cash award, and nothing triffling either or it will diminish the importance of the occasion.

BTW, my brother has just informed me that he intends to Holiday at Loch Ness next year!!!!!!!!

Some people only ever see the glitter of gold rather than working for the common good, eh.

Therefore, I triple the motion.

(between you and I Steve, I think I also gulled Dave into agreeing to making a donation to my personal charity (snigger) -- and then when Daniel Hopsicker gives me my 25% commission on the legal fund donation Dave also made to him, we'll all be in the money. Way to go...)

David

David, its not so much for the money you understand, but more for the prestige that such an award could bring the Forum. so I didn't want to spoil that for the sake of a few spondolicks. Also I am planning to visit Loch Ness this year where I fully intend to rip off all the tourists, so a few quid for travelling expenses would come in handy.

[Dave Greer]

I had an Uncle who was a Chicken groomer, ended up doing five years for it.

I'd hereby like to nominate Stephen for the Education Forum's 2007 "Most funny one-liner in a slightly-risque-kind-of-a-way" award.

Any seconders?

Yes Dave, I'll second it with relish, I'm thinking there should be some sort of cash award, and nothing triffling either or it will diminish the importance of the occasion.

BTW, my brother has just informed me that he intends to Holiday at Loch Ness next year!!!!!!!!

Some people only ever see the glitter of gold rather than working for the common good, eh.

Therefore, I triple the motion.

(between you and I Steve, I think I also gulled Dave into agreeing to making a donation to my personal charity (snigger) -- and then when Daniel Hopsicker gives me my 25% commission on the legal fund donation Dave also made to him, we'll all be in the money. Way to go...)

David

David, its not so much for the money you understand, but more for the prestige that such an award could bring the Forum. so I didn't want to spoil that for the sake of a few spondolicks. Also I am planning to visit Loch Ness this year where I fully intend to rip off all the tourists, so a few quid for travelling expenses would come in handy.

Hmmm... I'm starting to smell a rat! That'll teach me to be so generous to lost causes in future

Edited September 20, 2007 by Dave Greer

[Guest Stephen Turner]

I had an Uncle who was a Chicken groomer, ended up doing five years for it.

I'd hereby like to nominate Stephen for the Education Forum's 2007 "Most funny one-liner in a slightly-risque-kind-of-a-way" award.

Any seconders?

Yes Dave, I'll second it with relish, I'm thinking there should be some sort of cash award, and nothing triffling either or it will diminish the importance of the occasion.

BTW, my brother has just informed me that he intends to Holiday at Loch Ness next year!!!!!!!!

Some people only ever see the glitter of gold rather than working for the common good, eh.

Therefore, I triple the motion.

(between you and I Steve, I think I also gulled Dave into agreeing to making a donation to my personal charity (snigger) -- and then when Daniel Hopsicker gives me my 25% commission on the legal fund donation Dave also made to him, we'll all be in the money. Way to go...)

David

David, its not so much for the money you understand, but more for the prestige that such an award could bring the Forum. so I didn't want to spoil that for the sake of a few spondolicks. Also I am planning to visit Loch Ness this year where I fully intend to rip off all the tourists, so a few quid for travelling expenses would come in handy.

Folks,

What of the lovely Urquhart Castle???

It is said that it was destroyed by the Williamites, in 1692, but methinks I heard the Real Truth!!! It was actually done by one of Nessie's ancestors if not by she herself. Why, I can't say. Who knows what would p*** off a ples?

Any ideas????

Kathy, it was owned many years ago by Aleistair Crowley, the infamous Satinist, and self styled Beast 666, much later Jimmy Page had ownership, my bet is he had Pete Townsend round for a jam one evening and things got out of hand.