Jokes

[John Ritchson]

A Texan walked into a bar in Montana and being from Texas proceeded to brag about how everything was bigger and everyone better and tougher than anybody else. Finally, the bartender had his fill of the braggert and said to him, "hey Listen you, you're not in Texas anymore, you're in Montana and here you've got to prove yourself," upon which the Texan replied," I can do anything you say better than anyone else." The bartender said, "Alright then, first, you've got to drink this entire bottle of whiskey, and after that go out and wrestle a Grizzley Bear, and when you've done that then you've got to come back here and make passionate love to that old Barfly sitting at that back table." The Texan said, No Problem" and drank the bottle of whiskey in one gulp, left the bar and returned after a couple of hours all tore to hell; clothing all ripped to shreds; bleeding from about every part of his body and arrogantly declared, "allright, where's that Barfly I'm supposed to wrestle?"

[Jean Walker]

> > Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they

> > were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into

> > the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna

> > promptly jumped in to save him.

> > She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room

> > When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she

> > immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because

> > she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

> > She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news .The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so

> rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another

> > patient, you displayed sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the

> > patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt

> > right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

> > Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon

> > can I go home?"

[Derek McMillan]

Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen

and of course Rudolph

Are you aware that there is a tenth reindeer?

It is only mentioned once.

It is in the song "Rudolf the red nosed reindeer."

If you recall

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"Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."

You will be delighted to know I don't tell jokes at parties.

[Graham Davies]

The best Irish joke (and this one is in very good taste) I ever heard goes as follows:

An English builder is keen to implement the EU’s policy of job mobility, so he advertises a job in an international trade paper. Three applicants turn up: a Frenchman, a German and an Irishman. When the builder interviews them he points out that a basic knowledge of English is essential, especially of terms used in the building trade, so he has devised a little test. He asks each one of them the same question: “ Can you explain to me the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”

The Frenchman shrugs his shoulders, admitting that he does not understand the terms. The German also admits that he has no idea.

Before the builder puts the question to the Irishman, he says “I know you speak English, but in the interests of equal treatment I have to ask you the same question as the other two: “What is the difference between ‘girder’ and ‘joist’?”

The Irishman replies, “Sure, everyone knows that. Goethe wrote ‘Faust’ and Joyce wrote ‘Ulysses’.”

I guess most people know that what the English call Irish jokes originated as Kerryman jokes in Ireland – and there are some very good ones.

[Derek McMillan]

What do you say to an angry witch?

Ribbit!

[Julie Ditolla]

Bear with me...this is a long one...

(I am submitting this one in honor of my dear departed brother-in-law, Bill, who could tell story jokes so well that it would take me three weekend visits for him to get to the punch line! This one doesn’t take quite that long and Tim’s Microsoft joke reminded me that I had it tucked away for an occasion such as this.)

Abbott & Costello - A modern version of "Who's on first?" - Enjoy!

(COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . )

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking

about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office...can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say

I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I

need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click YOUR blue "w" if you don't start with

some straight answers....OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of

your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel Two, Three AND Four!! Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What

do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one…but it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It

pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even

part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial

bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of MONEY with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A FEW DAYS LATER ...)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

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[Tim Gratz]

A joke I like:

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery.

He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk

answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to

spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to

sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was

awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about

the sound that had woke him.

"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound.

You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks

for their kindness and went on his way.

During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the

alluring sound. Several years later the man happened to be driving in

the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked

admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his

previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another

night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man

stayed with them again. Late that night, he heard the strange

beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain

the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before.

"We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to

give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could

learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and

began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk. Seventeen years

later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order.

When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order

and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He

opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a

second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had

passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the

wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many

years before ........

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But, you can't be told what it was. You're not a monk.

Edited December 20, 2004 by Tim Gratz

[Shanet Clark]

Art For Art’s Sake

Jackson Pollock had a friend, Art, who used to drink with Jackson Pollock.

Art would bring over wine and beer, at first, then he started buying ports and sherries. Pollock would get drunk, drizzle some paint and rampage while Art would get drunk and intercept the groupies, answer the phone and buy more exotic booze. Jackson Pollock was forced to watch as Art went from Sherry to Sake and lost his mind on Japanese wine. Art bought ten cases of fine Tokyo Sake and smashed all ten cases by the pool. Jackson Pollock had to pay damages and that’s when he started painting art for Art’s Sake!

[Pamela Brown]

Derek McMillan,Dec 16 2004, 10:38 PM said:

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"Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."

That is cute. My husband's name is Donner. I just put out handtowels with his name on them, and, of course, a flying raindeer.

However, when we first met, and he said Donner was a family name, I asked if he was related to the Donners of the Pass in California (where they had eaten each other to survive). How not to make a great first impression.

We have managed to survive that though.

Pamela

[Shanet Clark]

For All You Academics In Your Ivory Towers:

In the reading of Welsh area qualitative texts, is the narrative informed intentionally by foregrounding the author’s extensive affection for post-structural theory? Nevertheless, with deconstruction-based literary historicism now an unworkable approach, post-modern and even post-critical readers are looking at industrial time compression, and they ask an allowable inference—is the crisis of modernity only conventional myopia? Or are malaise, ennui and anomie the paradox of authority, part of a schaudenfraude of worn Durkheim precepts as derived from the Welsh constructed trope? Is an I-specific overview capable of empirical simplification? Are master narratives suitable for abstract re-engineering by impersonal auditors? The text of behavioral instincts between colonial contacts observed by elites and other modes of assumed volition never eliminates the literate class and their volitional agreement. Welsh bourgeoisie preferences emphasize the counter-intuitive apprehensions, unless, as seen by Michele Foucault, counter-inferred by an objective Welsh subject. In “Natures of Form” Jacques Orlorn demonstrates how roundabout applied research obscures literary format source inductions bearing on older Welsh instrumentalities. Thus, an approach to culturally influenced actions intermediate between existential and inherently policy-derived behavior is mooted. Transactional and trade-advantage interpersonal dynamics often show us a signatory actor capable of employing a school and approach, without working within a text, poised self-consciously between questions related to the queried available data and graphic examples of qualified uncertainty. Feminist and Sub-Altern economic umpires xxxxx through pamphlets dire with power imbalances, cultural disadvantages and present minded Welsh teleology. A pandemic exegesis of spuriously encoded neology, and yet the antinomian ideas yield a strictly Cartesian dilemma—to accept, unalloyed, the new Marxian social precepts, or continue to exclude all presumptions of time-texts having an authoritative voice? In post-colonial and sub-structural dramatic encounters throughout the metropole and contact zone, a new discursive explanation of epistemology gives us primacy, the advantage of Welsh hermeneutic analysis. Without interior space to block intent, is the post-modern paradigm inclusive and elastic in form? If so, does this disallow the false dilemma, and what of the Insider? Is a witting paradox instead of the derived knowledge possible if one is reading with a master narrative’s emphasis on order and a protagonism? The constructed Other, a product of modernity and a victim of liberal, enlightened modern social survival experiments inside the political domain experiences alienation and hostile Welsh identity group formations. We posit these as pre-ascribed identities. Here a thought reflex mimetic of western elites, with ample limitations, the mass, mob, isolated, unwashed, enjoys tertiary responses in gambling, alcohol, tobacco and counter-deduced tabloid periodicals. So the established fallacy of historicism fails at reaching exhaustive critical quantitative criteria. Subsequent analysis prearranges a primacy concerning urban Welsh traditions emanating in the recent authorities, ie, a legitimizing rhetoricism.

Or as the Search Engines say, POST-MODERN THEORY....

CLARK SHANET

[Tim Gratz]

I can tell this because it comes from a female friend:

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

(SEE BELOW)

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever *and* evil.

Don't mess with us.

[Mark Stapleton]

I like the true story of the gridiron player from the seventies. When he was asked how did he think he'll perform on astroturf he replied, "I dunno--I ain't never smoked astroturf"

[Derek McMillan]

New words for 2005 (courtesy of Yahoo)

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline

was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL HEAD - A head who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps

on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and

advancement by sucking up to the head rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream

only to get screwed and die.

[Mike Toliver]

What do you get when you cross a mobster with a post-modernist?

An offer you can't understand!

[Tim Gratz]

A KEY WEST PIRATE JOKE:

One hundred years ago, a pirate walked into a Key West bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible". "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine" "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now".

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really".

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye".

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird doo-doo?"

"It was my first day with the hook"