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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today", Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,

"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money", she replied.

-----------------

He said : I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world.

She said: I'll miss you!

----------------

Q : What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A : A rumor.

Edited by Cigdem Eksi
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A man goes to the doctor and is seated on the exam table.

The doctor says somberly, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

The man asks, "Why?"

The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

***

What is E.T. short for?

His legs are only a foot long.

***

A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "you gotta help me. I have terrible flatulence. They're silent, but they're deadly. Oh no, there goes one and it's terrible! Total silence, but man, I'm killing small animals. Uh oh, there goes another silent monster. Doctor, what do you think's wrong with me?"

And the doctor says, "Well, for starters, you're loosing your hearing."

Edited by Charles Drago
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  • 4 weeks later...

Found this on another forum:

BELOW ARE SOME GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

4) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

5) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

6) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

7) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

8) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

9) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

BELOW ARE SOME GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging from the inside, and is good for the heart and soul.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

HERE ARE SOME GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory BUT growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions anymore.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician and takes longer the older you get.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE ARE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS IS:

At the age of 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At the age of 12 success is . . . having friends.

At the age of 17 success is . having a drivers license.

At the age of 35 success is . having money.

At the age of 50 success is . . having money.

At the age of 70 success is . . having a drivers license.

At the age of 75 success is . . . having friends.

At the age of 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Edited by Kathy Beckett
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Old Age Benefits

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask,Did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size

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This is funny because it's true(anyway for me)

TO OUR VALUED CUSTOMERS:

TSB is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new "Drive-through"

cash point machines where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without

leaving their vehicles. To enable our customers to make full use of these new

facilities, we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with

appropriate procedures for their use. Please read the procedures that apply to

you (i.e.MALE or FEMALE), and remember them for when you use our new machine for

the first time.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive off.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1.Drive up to cash machine.

2.Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.

3.Re-start the stalled engine.

4.Wind down the window.

5.Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

6.Turn the radio down.

7.Attempt to insert card into machine.

8.Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive

distance from the car.

9. Insert card.

10. Re-insert card the right way up.

11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back

page.

12. Enter PIN.

13. Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.

14. Enter amount of cash required.

15. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

16. Retrieve cash and receipt.

17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

18. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

19. Re-check make-up.

20. Drive forward 2 meters.

21. Reverse back to cash machine.

22. Retrieve card.

23. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot

provided.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

26. Release handbrake.

__________________

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How business is done 101

The White House fence needed to be repaired in one place and the maintenance manager had three businesses come and tender for the job.

Steve came and measured here and measured there took out his note pad made some calculations and after 15 minutes said that he would be able to do the job for $450.

Then Pedro and his brothers came. They also measured here and measured there. Then they took out a note pad and made many calculations. After about 10 minutes Pedro said that he would be able to do the work for $300

Then Behrouz came. He did no measuring and made no calculations. He barely looked at the job to be done and he said to the mantenance manager "$14,300".

The maintenance manager said "What! But you didn't even measure or anything. How on earth did you come up with that figure?"

Bahrouz said "$7,000 for you, $7,000 for me and we get the Mexicans to do it?"

Edited by Maggie Hansen
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How does a pterodactyl feel after a long flight?

ptired.

Edited by Kathy Beckett
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Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed

was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,

propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands

and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and

you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I

knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,

tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion..Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods

and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of

having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that

marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves

and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and

ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for

AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15

and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be

back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son

John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just

wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report

card that's in my centre desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

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Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed

was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,

propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands

and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and

you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I

knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,

tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion..Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods

and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of

having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that

marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves

and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and

ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for

AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15

and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be

back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son

John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just

wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report

card that's in my centre desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

It made me laugh. In fact, this strategy is used all the time by politicians who take great care of when they release bad news. We had the case of a government advisor who sent a memo to a minister that 9/11 provided a great opportunity to release details of a "bad news story". It is now known as "burying bad news".

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It made me laugh.

Good :)

In fact, this strategy is used all the time by politicians who take great care of when they release bad news. We had the case of a government advisor who sent a memo to a minister that 9/11 provided a great opportunity to release details of a "bad news story". It is now known as "burying bad news".

Now, John, they wouldn't do that would they?

P.S. I can't open the jpeg on your previous post about aging.

Edited by Maggie Hansen
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P.S. I can't open the jpeg on your previous post about aging.

You should be able to see it if you are logged-on as a member.

Even when I am signed in as a member. I've been trying for days. It takes me to a page where it says that I have to be signed in but I already am.

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  • 1 month later...
P.S. I can't open the jpeg on your previous post about aging.

You should be able to see it if you are logged-on as a member.

Even when I am signed in as a member. I've been trying for days. It takes me to a page where it says that I have to be signed in but I already am.

Grizzled, Third Party Candidate May Siphon Votes from John McCain!

See

http://www.theonion.com/content//node/8569...mbedded_video_2

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