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Sigmund Freud's favourite joke:

A king was making a tour through the provinces and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. He beckoned to him and asked: "Was your mother at one time in service in the Palace?" He replied: "No, your Highness, but my father was."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer and a mop."

Lily Tomlin: "when I was young I always wanted to be somebody. Now I wish I had been more specific."

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kurd retention might have something to do with it

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A man is talking to God.

The man: God, how long is a million years?

God: To me, it's about a minute.

The man: God, how much is a million dollars?

God: To me it's a penny.

The man: God, may I have a penny?

God: Wait a minute.

-----

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home. "

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An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home. "

I wonder if a teacher has ever done that?

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An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home. "

I wonder if a teacher has ever done that?

I would wager 3 to 1 it has......

By the Way........

In 1949 an Italian owner, seeking permission to modify his Rolls-Royce, commissioned a seance to

call up Henry Royce's spirit. Rolls-Royce legend has it that the advice from beyond the veil was:

"Consult your authorised distributor"

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A Brief Guide to Scientific Literature

Phrase / Translation

It has been long known --------I haven't bothered to check the references

It is known --------------------I believe

It is believed-------------------I think

It is generally believed----------My collegues and I think

There has been some discussion----Nobody agrees with me

It can be shown-----------------Take my word for it

Of great theoretical importance----I find it interesting

Of great historical importance------This ought to make me famous

Some samples were chosen for study-----The others didn't make sense

The values were obtained empirically-----The values were obtained by accident

The results are inconclusive------------The results seem to disprove my hypothesis

The most reliable values are those of Jones.-----Jones was a student of mine.

It is generally believed that----------A couple of other guys think so too.

It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding----I don't understand it.

Edited by Cigdem Eksi
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Romeo, oh Romeo wherefore art thou...?

Down here..the @#$%^&* ladder broke.

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Sad but true.

A Condensed Version of History

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:1. Liberals, and 2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America .They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing.

Edited by William Kelly
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recent research indicates that girlie type, while cleaning the barbie, found it had been had in a pit of salty clayey soil so that when 'she' brushed aside the detritus there was a glazed bowl. This contribution to Conservative Mead Conceyancing ( C.M.C )was hushed up' and the credit taken by the Conservatives. Believe it or nuts.

++++++++++++++++++++++++

'From the british comedy (IMO the Brits are true masters of comedy. They seem to take the most ordinary and adds a ridiculous script and play it straight. Brilliant (IMO)

"EXTRAS".

at snotty party.

Incoming!

(andy) whispers to woman friend: old guirlfriend

Andy

hi...

you're allright?

Yeaahh. You ARE doing allright.

all down hill from here...

ahhh...good luck with...um..

Yeah....welll

Thanks...and good luck to you

absolutely...

yeah..it's a pity you ... we... us

I'll see you later

good luck...

cheers

Who was that?

the most boring woman in the world

Really?

yeah.

i went out with her for a while when i was living in dumpster city

And she dumped you

no, i dumped her

You dumped her???

yes!

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Every Christmas morning for the past fifty or so years some historic minded citizens of the city of Philadelphia try to duplicate Gen. George Washington's crossing of the Delaware to attack the British/Hessian troops at Trenton.

Washington and his troops crossed the river at night and attacked the sleeping Hessians in the barracks Christmas morning, bringing a much needed victory to the American cause before retreating to Valley Forge for the rest of the winter. It was a pivitol moment in the success of the American Revolution.

The past two years the reenactors decided not to try to cross the river bacause of the weather, which prompted on reporter on the scene to quip, "If that happened in 1776 we'd all be speaking English now."

Anyway, I'm sure English teachers will appreciate it.

BK

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Washington and his troops crossed the river at night and attacked the sleeping Hessians in the barracks Christmas morning, bringing a much needed victory to the American cause before retreating to Valley Forge for the rest of the winter. It was a pivitol moment in the success of the American Revolution.

The past two years the reenactors decided not to try to cross the river bacause of the weather, which prompted on reporter on the scene to quip, "If that happened in 1776 we'd all be speaking English now."

Anyway, I'm sure English teachers will appreciate it.

BK

Bill, in fact I find it easier to understand someone from the US than from Scotland or the North East of England.

A few years ago I was travelling in California. I joined a tour party for the day for a trip along the coast. Much to my surprise, three very attractive sisters, seemed to want to engage me in conversation at every stop. At the end of the day, one of them confessed that the reason for this, was that they found my accent very attractive. I found this amazing as I really dislike my East End London accent. At the sametime, I find certain American accents extremely attractive (West Coast and New England). I wonder why this is?

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The difference between English and what Americans speak:

Some years ago I was in Manchester on business. At one point I was being driven to my hotel by a Jacqueline Bissett-esque beauty who was married to a much older man.

I asked if she knew the joke about the old bull and the young bull -- a magnificent distillation of the difference between youth and maturity.

She nodded and said, in a deep and breathy whisper, "Do you mean, 'Let's stroll down and have the lot'?"

The American version/punch line: And old bull and a young bull stand atop a hill looking into a valley where a herd of beautiful young cows are grazing.

The young bull blurts out, "Let's run down the hill and f**k a cow!"

And the old bull calmly says, "Let's walk down and f**k 'em all."

Edited by Charles Drago
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An Englishman sees an Irishman standing on a bridge who is looking down the river

as if he is going to jump.

Englishman asks : Hello. Have you come here to die?

Irishman replies : Hello. No, I was here yesterday, too.

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David Allen:

A drunk is wobbling down the street one night coming across a car with the hood open. Man poking about with engine...

"wassup...hic"

"Piston broke"

"hic...me too"

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