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Crocodile Dundee walks into the Never-Never pub (when you reach WoopWoop, head north, then on past the black stump. You can't miss it (as long as you don't go troppo on the way I suppose, (you might stray off into the bush and be gone forever))). with a big (live) crock under his arm. He plonks the crocodile down on a bench and goes to the bar to order a coupla' jars. (Fosters, if you must know!)

The bar tender informs him that 'dangerous things like crocs are not allowed'.

C.D. "xxxxe, matey, check this out..."

He goes back to the table (all delicates : Stop Reading Now!...(...yeah...right)...) and pulls the crocs jaws wide open, whacks out his..er..um..* and puts it in the crocs gaping jaws and whacks the crock hard on the top of its head with his fist.

"There! See? Harmless....Anyone else wanna go???!)

(A toothless ole' 'digger', sitting in a dusty corner, pipes up : "Fair 'nuff. I'll give it a burl."

"Just don't hit me head so hard.")

*what Dame Edna would (hesitatingly, of course) call "his member".

Edited by John Dolva
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Dictionary of Womanese

1. Yes = No

2. No = No

3. Maybe = No

4. Fine = I am right. This argument is over.

5. Do whatever you want = You'll pay for this later.

6. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

7. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate.

8. I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

9. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.

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A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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An Italian visiting America

"One Day I'ma go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I

tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss.

I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you

no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss

on the plate you sonna ma beach. I don't even know the lady and she calla

me a sonna ma beach.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla

the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to the toilet.

So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better

not sheet on the bed you sonna ma beach.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss

on you too, you sonna ma beach.

I go back to Italy."

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Q : What's a bigamist

A : A fog over Italy

_____________

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it. The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?" The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!".

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  • 2 weeks later...

Three crowns - a nordic centric history

During the height of the Roman Empire the Advance Scout Group set out from the land of the Northern Men, and on their way fought many battle but always prevailed and remained elusive remaining a chronic festering thorn in the Roman Army. About a hundred years later the ancestors reached the plains of northern Italy, where they were finally annihilated. The Normans (men from the north) and other incursions follows parallell with the final sacking of Rome by the Visi Goths from around the area of Gaetland (Beowulf and Grendel) (Goteborg (with two dots over the o (the swedish alphabet has three extra letters, a with a dot above it ( a bit like the o in gone , a with two dots (a bit like the a in bad, and o with two dots ( a bit like the u in turn ) (or anglicised Gothenburg)). The Normans, having attained a high autonomous status in Normandy, (they sacked Paris thrice as Vikings) attacked, in the 'Norman Conquest' of Britain (and at the same time the Norman conquest of Italy). In a classic pincer movement, continuing with the well thought out long term plan, the Danes responded to appeals for help from the loyal Brits.and helped their 'allies' to 'drive' the Normans to Oxford, sacked the city, and then went home leaving the poor remnants at the mercy of the Men from the North. Success. The final invasion was complete. Over east the Vikings pressed on into what they called 'the land of the Rus' (Russia), settled, and ruled it, while trading down the Volga with the Middle East. Likewise they settled the first (some say one of) democracies in Iceland and went on to settle North America, half a century before Columbus got there. Earlier they repeatedly attacked heavily with their berserkers and mop up teams and established a series of incursions on the Irish and British coast. Then, following the Bourgeoisie revolution in England (that later led to the foundations of modern unionism, the thesis of the serf being free to work for a pittance in horriffic conditions as England industrialised did thus lay the foundation of the antithesis as well.) Then this new army completed the invasion of Ireland and then went on to Australia and America. Ruthless, awesome but partly certainly not to be proud of. (my furthest possible ancestral roots (so far) are from about mid 1300's Norway) Then the ever present to and fro occupation and retreat of much of Europe and the black plague reached it and savged it (to the point that the survivors (according to some researchers) form a unique pocket of HIV immunity, diluted today to about 10% of the population.).

There, yer all Scandinavians whether yous likes it or nuts!

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Another Dave Allen:

The scene: back seat of a car in a deserted country field, late at night.

Lady (crying): " You are a beast! What's a poor girl like me to do now? What will people say? My parents are going to be devastated. They'll ask me and I won't lie! I won't lie, I tell you! They'll ask and I'll tell them how you had your wicked way with me several times."

Man: "Several? We've only done it once!"

Lady: "You are going to do again, aren't you?"

BOOM! BOOM!

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Beam me up, Scotty. There are too many intelliget lifeforms down here!

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  • 1 month later...

there was a young lady from Leading, who had triplets, Pat, Nat and Tat. Apparently she found it was fun in the breeding (Many can attest to that being likely) but then she stated it was hell in the feeding when finding there was no tit for Tat.

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  • 2 weeks later...

One survey of men discovered that the Scots spent more time on foreplay than any other race. The results of this survey was disputed when it was established that pleading, moaning and cajoling did not qualify as a definition of foreplay.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Computer Problem Report Form

http://www.kissmyfloppy.com/pages/jokes.ph...=16&cat=all

1. Describe your problem:

__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.

__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

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  • 3 weeks later...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,

particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 ,

and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman.

--------

DEAR DESPERATE WOMAN,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to 0A Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0

or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will

eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and

will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications

quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Lady!

Tech Support

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance,

particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 ,

and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0 , NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1 .

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate Woman.

--------

DEAR DESPERATE WOMAN,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to 0A Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0

or Beer 6.1 . Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will

eventually seize control of all your system resources).

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and

will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications

quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Lady!

Tech Support

LMAO! thank you Cigdem Göle....

DHealy

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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

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