We never went to Australia

[Sid Walker]

(excepted from the Education Forum, 1st April 2007 and brought forward for Christmas 2006)

We never went to Australia

Approximately 230 years ago, it became necessary to find a new home for the bulging surplus of human flesh crammed into Britain’s debtors’ jails.

The crisis was sparked by a newly-independent USA, now under the control of the White Knights of the Jesuit Order of the Sacred Thorn, unwilling to accept any more criminal scum from the Protestant motherland.

Back in London, elite Etonian Wall-Gamers were besides themselves with alarm. The Privy Council met in emergency session. Something had to be done!

Now, those with subtle minds may already have realized that these momentous events overlap in time more or less precisely with the adult life of Franz Anton Mesmer.

The ever-reliable Wikipedia informs us: “(Mesmer’s) exact activities during the last twenty years of his life are largely unknown.”

Indeed they were!

It can now be revealed, drawing on irrefutable new evidence, that after experiencing successive rebuffs at the French court, Mesmer was recruited by agents of the satanic British Crown (devilish chaps who have since morphed into the United Nations).

Mesmer was assigned a fiendish task. He worked diligently until his death in 1815 to accomplish his goal. His job was nothing less than to create the grand and permanent illusion of an entire continent – somewhere you could let criminals rosm free, while in reality they were eking out their days sedated, with rotting teeth, permanently confined within diminutive English sitting rooms.

Suffice it to say, the plot worked – although there were moments, especially early on, when the truth nearly slipped out!

The French revolution was a key part of the cover-up, as the French aristocracy figured out the hoax after sending warships along the alleged coastline and finding absolutely nothing there. (A footnote to history: it was a French Admiral who coined the term ‘Terra Nullius’, borrowing a term from Latin that was subsequently misused by the Brits to grim effect!)

These dangerous whistleblowers were guillotined as a subliminal warning to others. Rendered in contemporary English, that message was: “Wanna lose your head too, smartass?”

Dumbed down to plebian levels, even Frenchmen became active propagators of the great Australia hoax. Jacques Cousteau, for instance, made several movies about the so-called Great Barrier Reef in underwater tanks situated just off the Cote d’Azur.

To stay on the safe side, it was necessary to ensure that World Wars One and Two were fought elsewhere. These were real wars and genuine corpses were required.

Yet over time, with better technology and more audacious social engineering policies, maintaining the illusion of Australia has become easier.

A recent poll indicated that more than 99% of ‘Australians’ believe in their continent.

Sprawling 'imaginary' detention centers have been built by Haliburton in the southern Newspookistan desert, just in case ‘dellusionals’ cause any trouble and try to escape their semi-detached houses.

Indeed, maintaining the illusion of Australia has become simplicity itself following the latest change to the imaginary ‘cross media ownership restrictions’ in the land affectionately known as ‘down under’.

One, lonely publisher - Rupert Murdoch’s News Ltd – now has a share in virtually every newspaper available to the so-called ‘Australian public’. What’s more, most ‘Australians’ don’t even know that!

Australians are not renowned for high intelligence. Consequently Australia remains an experimental ‘real democracy’, in which election results aren’t even rigged by electronic voting. The gamble has paid off so far. Politicians who slavishly follow pro-American and pro-Zionist policies are reliably elected via old-style paper ballot.

Need more proof?

Consider kangaroos.

Every year, it’s alleged, millions of these improbable beasts are slaughtered. Where do all the bodies go? Why don’t they show up on our dinner plates? Think about it! Incidentally, have you ever really seen a kangaroo – except on television or in the controlled virtual environment of a zoo? If you did, chances were you were ‘in Australia’ – the modern term for ‘mesmerized’. Really – a hopping herbivore with a pouch! I ask you. Is it likely? Whatever next? A duck-billed mammal ha ha!!!

Australians who refuse to believe in their virtual continent sometimes reside within secure institutions, but denial of the existence of Australia is legal in all western countries.

In the free world at least, there have been no known cases of incarceration, job loss, beating up, murder or deportation for Australia-denial. Regrettably, there have been instances of self-conceived ‘Australian Aborigines’ dying in custody, bemoaning the alleged ‘reality’ of their fate.

There are signs that Australia-denial is becoming the conspiracy theory de choix for those keen, for whatever reason, to propose ‘penalty-free’ conspiracy theories. A Hollywood blockbuster is rumored for 2008.

Here's what key commentators have to say...

The ADL’s ever-vigilant Abe Foxman remarked: “We don’t have a view on Australia denial, although the existence of the Australian Jewish community is not up for debate.”

Comment from Australia’s major independent think-tanks has been muted.

The left-wing Australia Institute did not respond to inquiies. It was closed to the public for a day while staff and directors brainstorm a new color-coding scheme for terror alerts that may be more suitable for use by those radically challenged with color-uncertainty syndrome.

A spokeswoman and key analyst for the Lowy Institute said “Of course, we are concerned about the prospect of instability in Australian futures, but overall we think the market has handled this well. We remain cautiously optimistic in the mid term”.

Interviewed by Tony Jones on the ABC TV Lateline program, Gerald Henderson of the Sydney Institute made a characteristically insightful contribution to the debate:

“Tony, Australia-denial is a relatively benign delusional state, apparently related to sunstroke and excessive exposure to virtual cricket matches displayed on old fashioned television screens. With the introduction of LEDs, I’m sure it will be brought under control.

Mr Henderson continued “After all, there are real issues of free speech involved here. The Sydney Institute vigorously opposes discriminatory measures against any individual or group. These people are entitled to their views, however repugnant those views may be to mainstream Australians. This principle is at the core of liberal values in a modern democratic society.”

“Mr Henderson concluded: “Australians must be careful not confuse this topic with Holocaust Denial – a different phenomenon, more akin to leprosy – a real threat that presents a pressing danger to our freedoms and Ozzie way of life!”

He explained “’Holocaust Denial’, (also known as Hate Thought) is a crime against humanity born of perverted neo-Nazi proclivities. It takes years of intensive psychiatry to rectify. This shows the limits to free speech in a liberal society! No-one can shout ‘fire’ in a crowded theatre! We can’t let the terrorists win!”

Asked to explain photos of earth taken from the Moon, several of which clearly depict the Australian continent, Ms Conspira C. Y. Nerd of www.no-australia.biz gave a curt restort: “Don’t get me started on that moon hoax!”

Since this story broke on Fox TV earlier this month, the MCC has received thousands of phone calls from Englishmen appalled that the national cricket team is so bad it loses repeatedly to entirely imaginary opponents. “Who’s really bowling us out?” they demanded to know.

Questions have been raised in the House of Lords about whether the ashes exist and if we can really believe anything at all under New Labor.

John Howard, Prime Minister of ‘Australia’, had the last word.

Quizzed on talk-back radio whether, in view of recent technological enhancements to virtual warfare techniques, large-scale wars could be held down-under in future, Howard was non committal.

“We’ll certainly look at it closely” he replied cautiously.

“At the end of the day, the War on Terror comes first, along with the American alliance. I always like to mention the cricket too, in this context. Don Bradman was a great Australian. Truly great!

“Of course, these days Australia’s national interests demand the defeat of Islamic extremism worldwide.

“As Australians, we'll do what we can!

"I expect the private sector to contribute too” Mr Howard concluded with a wink.

Later, a Howard insider hinted Fox Studios in Sydney could have plans to take the War on Terror to an entirely new virtual terror level in the new year.

On the Dow overnight, News Ltd rose another five percentage points.

Edited December 24, 2006 by Sid Walker

[Evan Burton]

LOL! Excellent, Sid!

Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year from what some people naively believe is Australia.