Crap-Speak

[Guest David Guyatt]

George Orwell coined the term New-Speak that was a fictional political language that was aimed at diluting the language so that dissension and alternative thinking (thoughtcrime) became a thing of the past. Orwell described News-speak as being "the only language in the world whose vocabulary gets smaller every year."

For a Christmas competition members are invited to post examples of "Crap-speak" which is a business version of New-speak where the language is strangulated to engender a maximum lack of clarity whilst making it sound enormously sexy and intellectual appealing.

The winning entrant will be lavished with praise and will win an imaginary roundtrip "travel experience" on the glamorous, elegant, exciting and opulent Northern Belle "Palace on Wheels" Orient Express, where you and your guest will sink into the deep and splendid comfort of aristocratic Pullman armchairs arrayed in a marquetry coach adorned with luxurious furnishings. You will wonder at the starched white table cloths, branded silver-ware and individually tailored coaches named after individual "country houses", and luxuriate in sheer "sumpuosity" as you sip champagne and savour romantic elegance in every pore.

After dinner "leg-overs" are optional.

Smashing.

I'll start the ball rolling with this contribution that I just heard on the lunchtime news:

"Fulfilment Method" = once known to mere mortals as "delivery" or "pick up" of "goods".

[John Dolva]

Would "terminate with extreme prejudice", commonly known to mere mortals as "kill", qualify? (Apocalypse Now)

"friendly" and "unfriendly" atomic bombs?

"collateral damage"?

___

This ('crap speak') is one that 'yes prime/minister' scripts would be replete with:

'The matter is under consideration' means 'we have lost the file.'

'The matter is under active consideration' means 'we are ( not - ed ) trying to find the file.'

Civil Service language:

'Sometimes one is forced to consider the possibility that affairs are being conducted in a manner which, all things being considered and making all possible allowances is, not to put too fine a point on it, perhaps not entirely straightforward.'

Translation:

'It's a lie'.

[Jack White]

J. Edgar Hoover's favorite was:

THE BUREAU CAN FIND NOTHING IN ITS FILES REGARDING (you name it).

Of course not. Because the MOST SENSITIVE MATERIALS were marked

DO NOT FILE. This included Hoover's secret blackmail materials.

All "do not file" files were kept in cabinets in Hoover's private office.

Jack