HAYDELL: A Modern Folk Tale part I

[Greg Parker]

HAYDELL: A Modern Folk Tale

Part I: New York Adventures

Ozzie Haydell had two older brothers and no father. Or he had one brother and

one half brother and two fathers.

But anyway, it was his mother's fault. He slept with her.

Never mind that they lived in a closet.

They moved to New York. It was so's Haydell could have his head shrunk by one

o' them fancy New York headshrinkers. His mother had let this slip to a

neighbour. Haydell liked animals, and New York had a good zoo. It was called

the Bronx.

But it was only sheer luck Haydell ever got to see a headshrinker at all.

Or was it?

It happened like this:

Haydell and his mother moved in with one of the brothers and his brother's

wife. The brother's mother-in-law went to visit her sister, and now there was

room. Only temporary, mind.

A good Southern boy, he wore Levis in the Bronx and called Truancy Officers

"Damn Yankees!" But no one noticed that little half smile. Not yet.

His mother shreiked. The TV. The knife. The brother's wife!

They had to leave. The half-brother (for that, in reality, was all he was)

said so.

Rebellion set in. Haydell refused to salute the flag at school. Now and then,

he skipped school altogether. God knows where he got to on those days.

Evenings though, were nearly always spent watching Bugs Bunny and reading

comics. Inevitably, the system caught up. He had to go to court. Flags must be

saluted. Bugs had been patriotic during the war, but lately he was acting

kinda subversive. And just what was the subtext in those comics? Whatever it

was, it was disgusting to the moral fibre. The court ordered him to see the

court clinic psychiatrist, Dr Kurious. Dr Kurious wrote his report.

The court made its ruling. Haydell needed to be treated, and so was put in a

home for Youth Who Refuse to Salute the Flag. Comics were to blame. Dr

Vormhole had been been warning the nation for a couple of years. Had a best

seller on the subject.

And boy, did he ever stir up the mothers. They were just fit to be tied: "We

don't like our kids being exposed to crime or horror. Kids get enough reality

at home."

PunC (Politically Uncorrect) Comics outsold all other comics five to one. Dr

Vormhole had a deal going. He had some pull. Senators jumped on board the

Vormhole Express.

The senators formed a subcomittee. They hired Vormhole. They also hired Dr

Horace Puck, who, may lightning strike me down if I tell a lie, was the boss

of Dr Kurious (whose report on the young Haydell, had by now, disappeared from

the court records).

Meanwhile, over in the home for Youth Who Refuse to Salute the Flag, young

Haydell was being examined by Dr Warthogz. And he too, wrote a report. This

one did survive. It would later be very a much appreciated document.

Lights! Camera! Action! The subcommittee live from New York City!

In the spotlight was PunC Comics publisher, Ed Gaines, whose comics

specialised in depicting canabilism, with just a hint of necrophelia. Gaines

was high as a U2 overflight. His whole spiel for the senators had been written

by his business partner, Larry Flindt, during a nightlong binge they shared on

the eve of the inquiry.

It was a performance like no other, and the PunC Empire was about to crumble,

save one small magazine, fittingly called Raving Mad. Vormhole danced a jig.

It should be noted that senators love subcomittees. There was indeed, a

plethora of them, looking into everything from plankton infestations in

Byscayne Bay through to Un-American activities. And into all of them, one J

Andy Vacuum had a free pass. Vacuum, as head of the FIB (Federal Inveigling

Bureau), was held in awe for the sheer amount of dirt he could collect. Among

his friends on the subcommittees was investigator Morris Boris.

Anyhow, Haydell and his mother skipped New York and went to live in New

Orleans. There, he joined the Junior Eaglehawk Scouts and went to cookouts

with the cap'n of the squad, Dreyfuss Farry. Farry dug flying. Farry dug weird

xxxx. Farry dug hypnosis. Farry dug psychology. Farry dug religion. The kids

loved him. He taught 'em to fly. He bought 'em alcohol. He educated 'em good

and proper, and sometimes let 'em stay overnight. Most of all, Farry lived in

fear of cancer, and having his dirty little secrets exposed. More than

anything, he wanted to be a doctor. He wanted to cure his fear.

All Haydell wanted was to learn Marxism and join the Marines. Didn't everyone?

Half-brother joined the Air Force after a stint in the Coast Guard. However,

he was not altogether unfamiliar with the Navy either, for in the months

leading up to Haydell's arrival in New York City, half-brother had been

seconded to the US Naval Training Station in Brainridge, Merrylands. The

training station at the time, was suffering from an outbreak of little known

autoimmune diseases. But never fear! A government commision on such diseases,

headed by Dr Chuck Camelramp, was looking into it. What half-brother did

during his four months there is not recorded in documents released to the

public But whatever it was, it seemed to stand him in good stead for his

coming Air Force carreer, where he was to be in charge of "Special Procedures"

in the pathogy departments of three USAF hospitals - with all three later

being exposed for conducting human radiation experiments on unsuspecting

patients.

Half-brother's wife took up automatic writing.

It is not known if half-brother's mother-in-law ever made it home from her

visit to her sister.

Ed Gaines, crazy as a loon, took Raving Mad to the top.

Vormhole wrote more books, and eventually changed his mind about comics.

Kurious misremembered Haydell's height, and this somehow ended up in someone's theory about a second Haydell.

Warthogz wrote a book on Haydell, and got charged as a sex pest.

Puck disappeared up his own Vormhole.

Larry Flindt published porno and communist propaganda, including a booklet

called Crimes Against Cubism by Cory LaMotta. He also helped form the Fair

Play for Cubism Committee in New York City.

Morris Boris eventually settled in Dullarse, where he outsmarted all and

sundry.

Rumour had it Vacuum was gonna live forever.

greg