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Guest Stephen Turner

Attributed to Oscar Wilde. " Nobody can think more highly of you than I do,and I think your a dirty bas****.

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(1) Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac atheist?

He lies awake at night wondering if there is a Dog.

(2) Paedophile

What do you give a paedophile who has everything?

A bigger parish

(3) Lord’s Prayer

A marketing consultant hired at KFC got an audience with the Pope and offered him a million dollars if he would change the Lord's Prayer from "give us this day our daily bread," to "give us this day our daily chicken".

The Pope refused the offer.

Two weeks later the consultant offered 10 million, but the Pope refused again. Another week later the offer was increased to 20 million.

The Pope accepted.

The following day the Pope briefed his staff. "I have some good news and some bad news," he said. "The good news is that we have just received 20 million dollars. The bad news is that we've lost the Hovis account."

(4) Confession

Michael took Kevin along with him to confession for moral support. Kevin waited in the pews while Michael approached the confessional.

"Forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."

"Ah Michael," sighed the priest, "you have grieved the Holy Spirit. Tell me, was it Mary McCarthy?"

"I can't tell you, father," answered Michael, "I promised I wouldn't say, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."

"Michael, this is not what you have been taught by Mother Church. Was it Sinead O'Rourke?"

"I can't say, father, I promised I wouldn't, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."

"Ah, Michael, your poor mother and father would be heartbroken to know this. I wonder, was it Philomena Donnelly?"

"I can't tell you, father, I promised, forgive me, I have been with a woman."

"Michael, my son, I harboured such high hopes for you when you were an altar boy. Tell me, was it Therese Murphy?"

"Father, I can't say, I promised, forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."

The priest pronounced, "Michael, you must say 50 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys."

"Thank you, father," a relieved Michael acknowledged, and went back to the pews where his mate Kevin was waiting.

"Michael, Michael, what did the father say?"

"He gave me 50 Our Fathers, 30 Hail Marys and four good leads."

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I RECEIVED THIS e-MALE FROM A FEMALE FRIEND. HOW SHOULD I REPLY?

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive

double-pane energy efficient kind. Last week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me

last year...that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he

hasn't called back. I guess he felt really stupid, huh???

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got this from a friend in US, there is hope!

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light

> bulb?

The Answer is TEN:

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed .

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to

be changed .

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb .

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either: "For

changing the light bulb or for darkness."

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb .

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on

a stepladder under the banner "Light Bulb Change Accomplished."

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally "in the dark."

8. One to viciously smear #7.

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has

had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along .

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between

screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

>

>

>

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A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

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Mark wrote:

Lynne, is that a recent photo of you. If so, are you doing anything this Saturday night?

Tim wrote to Mark:

She only dates boys who do not like Jim Garrison!

Mark wrote:

Tim, who's Jim Garrison?

Hope he got that date!

Edited by Tim Gratz

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SUPPOSEDLY A TRUE STORY TOLD ON THE LETTERMAN SHOW?

I'm sure you'll learn something from this. This would have to be the

best email I've ever read.... For anyone who didn't see the episode of

David Letterman in which this story was told, read this: (And remember

it's a true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of

quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner

with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to

stash the quarters in her room."I'll be right back and we'll go to eat"

she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already

aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an

intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two

are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they

look like perfectly nice gentlemen.'

Bu t racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She

stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and

ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to know

what she was thinking !!! Her hesitation about joining them in the

elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't

just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one

foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on

the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator

doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then

another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed

her. 'My gosh' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her

heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."

Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters

flew up wards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator

floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare

me', she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us

what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it

had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to

hold in a belly laugh.

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two. They reached down

to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my

friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant

that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for

you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was

obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: 'My

gosh, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to

speak.

She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you

apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though

they were going to rob

you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the

strewn quarters and her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking

her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they

were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they

bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room, she could hear

them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went

downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.

Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card

said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed:

....

.....

....

....

Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

Edited by Tim Gratz

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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked

if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to

the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I

just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all

imediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from West

Virginia University in Morgantown and just graduated with a degree in

Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna

electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

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A pupil at a school "somewhere in Sussex" managed to make a water bomb during a science lesson. Quite clever. She then managed to conceal it inside her trousers. Not so clever.

Half way down the stairs from the lab she let out a shriek as the water cascaded all over the inside of her trousers.

A sympathetic friend told her "Shall I call an ambulance, dear. Your waters have broken."

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From a friend in the US but applicable anywhere:

Teacher Interview

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:

"Let me see if I've got this right........."

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.

And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me NOT TO PRAY??

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Al Gore was in London and met the Queen. Gore asked the Queen about her leadership philosophy. The Queen said she found that the best way to govern was to surround herself with intelligent people. “But how do you know they are intelligent? Gore asked. “I ask them testing questions. For example, when Tony Blair became leader of the Labour Party, I telephoned him and asked the following question: “Your mother has a child, your father has a child and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

“Why it is me,” said Tony Blair, without a pause.

“Correct!” said the Queen.

Gore returned to America and called George W. Bush: “Mr President, may I ask you a question?” he said. “By all means”, said the President.

“Your mother has a child, your father has a child and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

George Bush was stumped and remained silent for a while before saying, “May I get back to you on that, Al?” He asked all his closest aides before finally ringing Colin Powell, to whom he posed the telling question. Powell, like Blair, replied, without pause: “It’s me.”

George Bush rang Gore and said: “I know the answer to your question. It’s Colin Powell.”

“Wrong,” said Gore. “It’s Tony Blair.”

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the

classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and

their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead

the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked

the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives

on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills

him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children

drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would called a

great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush

searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example

of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet

voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck

by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a

tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why

that would be a tragedy?"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as heck

wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident

either.

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Thanks Tim :)

Here's the top 10 "Bushisms"

10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb.

6) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

5) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

4) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

3) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

2) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

1) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

Edited by Adam Wilkinson

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Perks of being over 50

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tim: I like #18.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into

the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse. [is this a reference to #9, and "if you don't stop, you'll go blind" ??]

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay

off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national

weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't

remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.

--

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