John Simkin Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home. " I wonder if a teacher has ever done that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robert Howard Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home. " I wonder if a teacher has ever done that? I would wager 3 to 1 it has...... By the Way........ In 1949 an Italian owner, seeking permission to modify his Rolls-Royce, commissioned a seance to call up Henry Royce's spirit. Rolls-Royce legend has it that the advice from beyond the veil was: "Consult your authorised distributor" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Simkin Posted December 1, 2008 Author Share Posted December 1, 2008 Money can't buy love but if you are very wealthy you can sure rent a lot of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cigdem Göle Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 (edited) A Brief Guide to Scientific Literature Phrase / Translation It has been long known --------I haven't bothered to check the references It is known --------------------I believe It is believed-------------------I think It is generally believed----------My collegues and I think There has been some discussion----Nobody agrees with me It can be shown-----------------Take my word for it Of great theoretical importance----I find it interesting Of great historical importance------This ought to make me famous Some samples were chosen for study-----The others didn't make sense The values were obtained empirically-----The values were obtained by accident The results are inconclusive------------The results seem to disprove my hypothesis The most reliable values are those of Jones.-----Jones was a student of mine. It is generally believed that----------A couple of other guys think so too. It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding----I don't understand it. Edited December 13, 2008 by Cigdem Eksi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Romeo, oh Romeo wherefore art thou...? Down here..the @#$%^&* ladder broke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William Kelly Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 (edited) Sad but true. A Condensed Version of History Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:1. Liberals, and 2. Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America .They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for nothing. Edited December 20, 2008 by William Kelly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 recent research indicates that girlie type, while cleaning the barbie, found it had been had in a pit of salty clayey soil so that when 'she' brushed aside the detritus there was a glazed bowl. This contribution to Conservative Mead Conceyancing ( C.M.C )was hushed up' and the credit taken by the Conservatives. Believe it or nuts. ++++++++++++++++++++++++ 'From the british comedy (IMO the Brits are true masters of comedy. They seem to take the most ordinary and adds a ridiculous script and play it straight. Brilliant (IMO) "EXTRAS". at snotty party. Incoming! (andy) whispers to woman friend: old guirlfriend Andy hi... you're allright? Yeaahh. You ARE doing allright. all down hill from here... ahhh...good luck with...um.. Yeah....welll Thanks...and good luck to you absolutely... yeah..it's a pity you ... we... us I'll see you later good luck... cheers Who was that? the most boring woman in the world Really? yeah. i went out with her for a while when i was living in dumpster city And she dumped you no, i dumped her You dumped her??? yes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William Kelly Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Every Christmas morning for the past fifty or so years some historic minded citizens of the city of Philadelphia try to duplicate Gen. George Washington's crossing of the Delaware to attack the British/Hessian troops at Trenton. Washington and his troops crossed the river at night and attacked the sleeping Hessians in the barracks Christmas morning, bringing a much needed victory to the American cause before retreating to Valley Forge for the rest of the winter. It was a pivitol moment in the success of the American Revolution. The past two years the reenactors decided not to try to cross the river bacause of the weather, which prompted on reporter on the scene to quip, "If that happened in 1776 we'd all be speaking English now." Anyway, I'm sure English teachers will appreciate it. BK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Simkin Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 Washington and his troops crossed the river at night and attacked the sleeping Hessians in the barracks Christmas morning, bringing a much needed victory to the American cause before retreating to Valley Forge for the rest of the winter. It was a pivitol moment in the success of the American Revolution. The past two years the reenactors decided not to try to cross the river bacause of the weather, which prompted on reporter on the scene to quip, "If that happened in 1776 we'd all be speaking English now." Anyway, I'm sure English teachers will appreciate it. BK Bill, in fact I find it easier to understand someone from the US than from Scotland or the North East of England. A few years ago I was travelling in California. I joined a tour party for the day for a trip along the coast. Much to my surprise, three very attractive sisters, seemed to want to engage me in conversation at every stop. At the end of the day, one of them confessed that the reason for this, was that they found my accent very attractive. I found this amazing as I really dislike my East End London accent. At the sametime, I find certain American accents extremely attractive (West Coast and New England). I wonder why this is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charles Drago Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 (edited) The difference between English and what Americans speak: Some years ago I was in Manchester on business. At one point I was being driven to my hotel by a Jacqueline Bissett-esque beauty who was married to a much older man. I asked if she knew the joke about the old bull and the young bull -- a magnificent distillation of the difference between youth and maturity. She nodded and said, in a deep and breathy whisper, "Do you mean, 'Let's stroll down and have the lot'?" The American version/punch line: And old bull and a young bull stand atop a hill looking into a valley where a herd of beautiful young cows are grazing. The young bull blurts out, "Let's run down the hill and f**k a cow!" And the old bull calmly says, "Let's walk down and f**k 'em all." Edited January 1, 2009 by Charles Drago Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cigdem Göle Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 An Englishman sees an Irishman standing on a bridge who is looking down the river as if he is going to jump. Englishman asks : Hello. Have you come here to die? Irishman replies : Hello. No, I was here yesterday, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 David Allen: A drunk is wobbling down the street one night coming across a car with the hood open. Man poking about with engine... "wassup...hic" "Piston broke" "hic...me too" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 (edited) Crocodile Dundee walks into the Never-Never pub (when you reach WoopWoop, head north, then on past the black stump. You can't miss it (as long as you don't go troppo on the way I suppose, (you might stray off into the bush and be gone forever))). with a big (live) crock under his arm. He plonks the crocodile down on a bench and goes to the bar to order a coupla' jars. (Fosters, if you must know!) The bar tender informs him that 'dangerous things like crocs are not allowed'. C.D. "xxxxe, matey, check this out..." He goes back to the table (all delicates : Stop Reading Now!...(...yeah...right)...) and pulls the crocs jaws wide open, whacks out his..er..um..* and puts it in the crocs gaping jaws and whacks the crock hard on the top of its head with his fist. "There! See? Harmless....Anyone else wanna go???!) (A toothless ole' 'digger', sitting in a dusty corner, pipes up : "Fair 'nuff. I'll give it a burl." "Just don't hit me head so hard.") *what Dame Edna would (hesitatingly, of course) call "his member". Edited January 10, 2009 by John Dolva Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cigdem Göle Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Dictionary of Womanese 1. Yes = No 2. No = No 3. Maybe = No 4. Fine = I am right. This argument is over. 5. Do whatever you want = You'll pay for this later. 6. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. 7. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate. 8. I'm sorry = You'll be sorry. 9. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. 10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Dolva Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?" "She's in the boot if you want to see." The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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